


Rivals AU Bonuses

by lily_winterwood



Series: and so my heart beats wildly [2]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime), 魔道祖师 - 墨香铜臭 | Módào Zǔshī - Mòxiāng Tóngxiù
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Modern with Magic, Ficlet Collection, Gen, Multimedia, Social Media, Worldbuilding Bonuses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:46:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 19,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23748562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lily_winterwood/pseuds/lily_winterwood
Summary: Competitive Cultivation. Basically if the Hunger Games were Asian.If you, like me just last week, had no idea what thefuckCompetitive Cultivation is, you might be thinking ‘how is John Oliver going to ruin gardening competitions tonight’? Because to us English speakers, the term ‘competitive cultivation’ sounds like a bunch of people trying to win first prize at the local county fair for ‘biggest rutabaga’.I don’t care if that thing is the size of my head, the only reasonable use for a vegetable that big is as a dildo, and I amnotputting that up my butt!But to the twenty-or-so East Asian countries that participate in the International Nighthunting Union’s competitions, Competitive Cultivation — or CompCult — is abig fucking deal.Bonus scenes and worldbuilding extras fromand so my heart beats wildly.
Relationships: Jiāng Yànlí/Jīn Zǐxuān, Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī/Wèi Yīng | Wèi Wúxiàn
Series: and so my heart beats wildly [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1710760
Comments: 200
Kudos: 1016





	1. LAST WEEK TONIGHT: Competitive Cultivation

**Author's Note:**

> This is a collection of bonus scenes and extras from ASMHBW. Most of these were originally done for folks on my Discord server. I figured since it's been a year since most of these were written, and we're all trapped in quarantine hell still, everyone should get to experience them in their full glory. Hope you guys enjoy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Or: Lily had no space for this in the fic but she was dying to figure out how her favourite late-night comedian would react to CompCult...
> 
> Takes place around chapter 18.

_Transcript of the Competitive Cultivation segment of_ Last Week Tonight:

Competitive Cultivation. Basically if the Hunger Games were Asian. 

If you, like me just last week, had no idea what the _fuck_ Competitive Cultivation is, you might be thinking ‘how is John Oliver going to ruin gardening competitions tonight’? Because to us English speakers, the term ‘competitive cultivation’ sounds like a bunch of people trying to win first prize at the local county fair for ‘biggest rutabaga’. 

I don’t care if that thing is the size of my head, the only reasonable use for a vegetable that big is as a dildo, and I am _not_ putting that up my butt! 

But to the twenty-or-so East Asian countries that participate in the International Nighthunting Union’s competitions, Competitive Cultivation — or CompCult — is _a big fucking deal_.

[VIDEO: Subtitled excerpt of an interview with a CompCult fan saying, “CompCult translates our most ancient traditions and spiritual beliefs for a modern audience. Plus it’s more interesting than other shows out there, like Game of Thrones or American Football.”]

Whoa. Whoa you didn’t have to come for us like that! I think this means war! _I think this means war!_

But honestly, if you look at some of the faces of CompCult, you might understand where that kind of mentality comes from. Because some of these athletes are _beautiful_.

[VIDEOS: Montage of Lan Xichen, Nie Mingjue, and Yu Ziyuan performing signature moves on their swords/dao and special weapons.]

That last competitor has spawned at least ten porn parodies. And we know this, because [ _takes out ten DVD cases with various lurid titles_ ] we bought them all. And none of them compare to the original, because that’s not _just_ lightning in her whip, that’s her spiritual energy. _Kinky_.

Okay, John, you say, but what does any of this have to do with growing crops? Let me tell you — and I know, I was also disappointed when I found out — it doesn’t. There is absolutely no farming involved in CompCult. Not even growing a cactus in a pot, forgetting to water it, and then being surprised it died. 

At _that_ point, you’re just less nurturing than a desert. But I digress.

The ‘cultivation’ part of CompCult comes from ‘cultivating a golden core’, or jindan, which is an important aspect of the Taoist philosophy shared amongst these nations of the INU. This more traditional cultivator, Shen Qingqiu, explains it:

[VIDEO: Shen Qingqiu, head of the Qing Jing School of Cultivation in Qinghe, walks the documentarian through the halls of his school. We see students in class, practicing sword forms, and meditating. At one point, Shen Qingqiu is asked how does one cultivate, and he responds:

“Traditionally, cultivating the golden core involves either externally obtaining elixirs made from natural elements, or by creating the same elixir using your own body.”]

Basically, you can either make the Philosopher’s Stone through outside ingredients, or you could pass a kidney stone and hope it makes you immortal.

Just like the Philosopher’s Stone, the goal of cultivation has traditionally been to obtain immortality. Thankfully, though, now that the Internet is forever, CompCult gets to focus on the more visible and fun side of cultivation practice, which is nighthunting. 

Nighthunting is the portion that basically resembles an episode of Scooby Doo, except the monsters are real and ate all the Scooby Snacks. Traditionally, nighthunts involve finding out there’s a monster terrorising a town, going over, fighting the monster, defeating it, and bringing it back to your cultivation sect so you can humblebrag about the number of Bigfoots you’ve caught. Or is it Bigfeet? Anyway. Modern CompCult is all about the nighthunting, and that’s where the Hunger Games comparisons come back in. Basically your average CompCult game involves about twenty to thirty competitors representing each of the countries that make up the INU, who are then sent to an outdoor arena where they compete against one another to see how many monsters and spirits they can catch. 

[VIDEOS: Montage of CompCult athletes stabbing fierce corpses, zooming around on swords, and banishing spirits.]

That’s right. This game, which involves flying around on swords, killing zombies, and playing Ghostbusters, is an _Olympic Sport_. What’s next, Olympic Quidditch? You never know, we might as well petition the IOC and see what happens. #OlympicQuidditch, #SnitchesNotBitches.

But that’s not the point. The point is, this sport is a showcase of virtual reality technology. Every year the arenas they build or take over are full of more creatures to defeat than in a Marvel movie. Hypothetically everything should be safe, especially with the timeout system which lets people bail if they get into danger or if they are seriously hurt, but… you’d be surprised: 

[VIDEO: Series of news headlines about CompCult athletes getting hurt: “Emergency Grief Counselors Descend Upon 45th World Nighthunting Championships in Yiling”, “48th World Nighthunting Championships Faces Controversy For Using Unkillable Monster”, “52nd World Nighthunting Championships In-Game Glitch Causes Widespread System Failure”]

Yeah. An ‘Unkillable Monster’. It’s the real-life sport equivalent of going up against an OP boss with a popsicle stick and a prayer. Or facing down Thanos with a sippy cup.

A lot of these controversies come down to the structure of the games _behind the scenes_. You have the bigwig organisation officials, the sponsors, and then the gamemasters, who are usually ex-competitors themselves, or nerds who majored in cultivation theory in college. And unfortunately, it’s usually the nerd side of the gamemasters who cause a lot of the controversy. Take the 45th WNC in Yiling, for example. The Head Gamemaster at the time, Ouyang Zicheng, was very passionate about trying to recreate the legendary Burial Mounds of Yiling, a place that is supposed to be a repository for the dead who could not get a proper burial, and are therefore trapped forever as evil ghosts. So, you know, kinda like that abandoned theme park you keep driving by at 2AM in the morning. 

Because of this cursed reputation, the Burial Mounds also star in at least ten horror movie franchises in Yunmeng. That’s right, we know that because [ _takes out more DVDs_ ] we watched them all. And we are including the one that won the Cannes Film Festival, because there is nothing more horrifying than this:

[VIDEO: Clip from _Burial_ , showing a mother pouring tea in black-and-white while the laughter of her children play in the air.]

Yeah, someone decided ‘What if we made a depression ad into a movie’, and someone else said ‘Wow! That’s a great idea! What could possibly go wrong?’

Anyway. Mr Ouyang probably just thought that the Burial Mounds he created would be something like, oh, I dunno, a walk through Disney’s Haunted Mansion for the kids. The problem with that is that he had never competed before, and did not realise the extreme emotional and mental toll these games could take on the competitors. 

The minimum age for participating in the senior circuit is 15, and the average age of a competitive cultivator is about 19. While there is no upper age limit, and one of the nice side effects of cultivating to a high enough level is _disgusting_ amounts of youth and vigor, most competitive cultivators retire somewhere between ages 27-30 because, like with all high-level competitive sports, that shit takes a toll on the body. Not to mention some of the frankly dangerous stunts they get up to, or the fact that they’re using real arrows and swords in competition:

[VIDEO: Montage of Competitive Cultivators getting hurt during competitions.]

And besides that, the battle-royale nature of the competition itself leads to a lot of stress. Take this statement, for example, from Lan Xichen, a former competitor and now Interim Head Gamemaster for the INU:

[VIDEO: Interview clip with Lan Xichen in the green room of an arena during his competition years. The interviewer asks: “Do you see yourself continuing to compete for many years to come?”

Lan Xichen: “Actually, I don’t really think so? The work is very hard, even for someone like me, but at this point I am only waiting for my brother to join the Senior division before I leave. It’s… it’s a lot more stress than fun at this point, trying to maintain your records and achievements, but having no one else to beat except yourself. It does get a little lonely.”]

So, because Mr Ouyang had never been a competitor, he thought — hey. Let’s fling these 15-30 year olds — and even the younger ones, since the juniors also competed in Yiling that year — who train for these competitions almost year-round, who are under a lot of pressure to do well by their countries, into a fucking _pit of despair_ , and see what happens. And when you put it that way, it’s not that surprising they had to bring in emergency psychiatric care for all the _traumatised children_ on their hands. 

Luckily for these traumatised kids, Mr Ouyang stepped down after the scandal broke, and the heads of the INU appointed a nice young man named Jin Guangyao, and they all lived happily ever after, except until just two hours ago:

[VIDEO: “Outrage amongst the fans and support teams of the competitors affected by the Guanyin Glitch at the 52nd World Nighthunting Championships has swelled in light of allegations made by one of the competitors against Head Gamemaster Jin Guangyao for having placed competitors at risk through his negligence…”] 

Yeah. The allegations are actually that Jin Guangyao disabled the game’s timeout system and rendered the monsters unkillable. That timeout system enables injured competitors to exit the game quickly for medical assistance. So if you can’t win against something trying to kill you, and you can’t get out, well, that generally _doesn’t end well_.

But that’s not all. Incompetent gamemastering isn’t the only thing wrong with Competitive Cultivation. As we’ve discussed before with the WWE, with FIFA, and with college sports, behind every extremely popular sport is a highly corrupt administration. And unfortunately CompCult is no exception. The 50th WNC was held in Qishan, which we have previously done segments on regarding its rapid development and authoritarian government. Turns out that in order to get the 50th WNC to be hosted there, the heads of the INU were offered ‘over three billion yuan’ in investments and kickbacks from the Qishan government. Three. Billion. Yuan. That’s over 400 million dollars. You could get an apartment for your dogs with 400 million dollars, and that’s in fact exactly what this one INU executive did in Nightless City:

[VIDEO: Clip of a Yizhibo video of an INU official walking through a penthouse apartment full of nothing but fluffy pomeranians.]

That’s almost cartoonish amounts of corrupt. Fortunately, though, Qishan was discovered through the brave work of a couple whistleblowers to have been doping their athletes, so the INU basically tried to distance themselves from them the next year. 

But Qishan’s not the only WNC host country with political tensions, oh no. Lanling played host to the glitchfest that was the 52nd WNC during the middle of a _Presidential election_. And one of the Presidential candidates, Jin Guangshan, hosted all of the competitors at his house. People got… a little upset about that. 

[VIDEO: “Riots broke out at the opening ceremony of the 52nd World Nighthunting Championships because of the Free Laoling movement, as the Cultivators’ Pavilion this year is held at the residence of Jin Guangshan, the conservative presidential candidate who has advocated for stricter control of Laoling…”]

Jin Guangshan is exactly the sort of despicable human being that I could get into another 20-minute segment on dissecting every last creepy thing he’s ever done, but since we don’t have time for all of that, here’s the lowdown. [ _pictures of Jin Guangyao and Jin Zixuan show up_ ] Jin Guangshan’s sons are both Head Gamemaster and a competitor in the game. [ _another picture of Qin Su shows up_ ] The Laoling competitor who was sponsored by Dao Enterprises in this year’s competition, Qin Su, is _also_ a child of Jin Guangshan. And when you ask Jin Guangshan for his opinion on men and women cultivators competing together, this is what he says:

[AUDIO: “You know what I would love to see? An all-women competitive cultivation competition. Just the sheer number of exotic beauties on the screen would be enough to make any man’s heart weak.”]

Yes. That is a Presidential candidate telling the entire world he gets boners to girls as young as 15 killing monsters with swords. And that’s not all. Just a couple days before the start of the 52nd World Nighthunting Championships, Jin Guangyao’s mother, a sex worker advocate and former adult film star Meng Shi, was found dead in a hotel room having allegedly committed suicide. This comes suspiciously fast on the heels of her legal battle with Jin Guangshan over him trying to silence her about their affair, _you know_ , the one that led to Jin Guangyao being _born_. Did she commit suicide because of the frankly alarming amount of online harassment she received? Or did she get offed by the baby daddy because he’s trying to sweep his indiscretions under the rug? Doesn’t matter, the recent controversy with the 52nd WNC has made it impossible for the world _not_ to pay attention to just how fucked up this entire family is, because now Jin Guangyao is facing charges of criminal negligence, but Lanling City Police are under increasing pressure to charge him for the attempted murder of his. _Half. Brother._

And you thought family politics in _Game of Thrones_ was wild.

But how is any of this related to the sport itself, you may ask? The cultivation traditions used in these nighthunts are learnt at various schools, the five largest being family-linked schools in each of the ‘Big Five’ countries: Gusu Lan, Lanling Jin, Yunmeng Jiang, Qinghe Nie, Qishan Wen. Naturally, any drama in the family ends up somehow coming to a head at nighthunting competitions. It _is_ basically like _Game of Thrones_ , except in order to resolve inter-family conflict the families decided to make their kids fight monsters in an arena instead. 

Which is why a lot of CompCult fans are saying the games are broken because of that. Because of the structure of its organisation, the nature of its game and scoring system, and the politics behind each major competition, these games, while enjoyable, are extremely dangerous and have a lot of room for sabotage and manipulation. And since the livestreams of these competitions were equated to:

[VIDEO: “It’s more interesting than other shows out there, like Game of Thrones or American Football.”]

We’d like to suggest that the INU be a little more honest about their game.

[VIDEO: EXT/INT. LANLING CITY - NIGHT. 

_Dramatic horror movie music plays._

WEI WUXIAN (V.O.)  
It was an honour to represent Yunmeng for this year’s competition.

_Cut to camera feeds following Wei Wuxian’s back as he runs through the game._

WEI WUXIAN (V.O.)  
This game was supposed to let us exercise our cultivation skills.

_Cut to flashback montage of Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji: sparring together. Talking in the grass. Almost kissing._

WEI WUXIAN (V.O.)  
But it quickly became something more.

_Cut to montage of competitors getting hurt, including Wei Wuxian._

NIE HUAISANG  
Why isn’t it working?

WEI WUXIAN  
Someone’s turned off the timeout system.

NIE HUAISANG  
You can just _turn it off_?

WEI WUXIAN  
Apparently so.

_Cut to montage of protests in Lanling City._

WEI WUXIAN  
They’re rioting.

NIE HUAISANG  
It’s what happens when you hold competitions in politically tense countries.

_Cut to Wei Wuxian shoving someone against a wall in a badly-lit hallway._

WEI WUXIAN  
What have you done to Lan Zhan?

SOMEONE (SU MINSHAN)  
What makes you think I’m not him?

_Cut to Wen Ning’s terrified face._

WEN NING  
They can just glitch my supplies away? What does that even mean?

_Cut to Lan Wangji, pouring tea as the sound of Wei Wuxian’s laughter fills the air around him._

LAN WANGJI (V.O.)  
Wei Ying, you will get hurt.

WEI WUXIAN (V.O.)  
You don’t need to Lan-splain this to me!

_Someone strikes a fire talisman. Someone casts an array._

_Cut to Wei Wuxian, tied to a stone pillar._

SU MINSHAN (O.S.)  
Don’t worry. No one will ever be able to find you.

_Pull in on Wei Wuxian’s increasingly horrified expression before cutting sharply to black._

WEI WUXIAN (V.O.)  
We were supposed to face the endgame together. But the game isn’t letting us win.

_A fierce corpse turns its head in a grotesque way, the whites of its eyes flashing._

WEI WUXIAN (V.O.)  
It never does.

 _Fade to title:_ COMPETITIVE CULTIVATION. IN THEATRES THIS HALLOWEEN.]


	2. before the beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lan Wangji finds out who is taking Yunmeng's second slot. 
> 
> Takes place before chapter 1.

“Yunmeng’s second slot has been filled,” remarks Lan Xichen over dinner. Despite having been retired and reappointed to Gamemaster for a couple of months already, he’s still eating the nutritionist-approved meals alongside his little brother.

Lan Wangji waits until he’s finished with his bite of bok choy before raising an eyebrow. “Conversation is not permitted at the dinner table,” he points out.

Lan Xichen scoffs. “Only when Uncle’s around, and you know it.” He waves a scolding pair of chopsticks, before pulling his rice back towards him with a sigh. “Okay, fine. I’ll tell you about it later. I just thought you’d be interested because it’d be someone you’ve never competed with before.”

Lan Wangji raises his other eyebrow, too. “Is it official now?” he wonders.

Lan Xichen shakes his head. “They have yet to make the announcement, but he was a surefire victory in Yunmeng Nationals last night, so that slot’s basically his now.”

Lan Wangji’s curiosity is piqued. Surefire victories are pretty rare in Competitive Cultivation, considering that multiple people are required to take on the endgame monster. “How?” he wonders.

His brother grins. “I thought no conversing at the dinner table?” he teases. At Lan Wangji’s scowl, he laughs and shakes his head, pulling something up on his mobile. “Take a look. His name’s Wei Ying, but his competitive name is Wuxian.”

Lan Wangji takes the mobile, watching as a figure in red and black seamlessly darts through the lush forested arena of Yunmeng Nationals, effortlessly shooting and slashing down targets before anyone else can get to them. It takes him a couple minutes before he realises he’s forgotten how to breathe. 

He swallows, nods, and hands the mobile back. “Fascinating,” is all he can say.

“Worlds is in Lotus Pier this year,” Lan Xichen replies with a wink. “You’ll definitely get to meet him.”

Lan Wangji glowers at him in response, but he can already feel his ears heating. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I completely forgot about this one! It was sitting around in my Twitter ficlets...


	3. the first night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng get a visit from Jiang Yanli.
> 
> Takes place during chapter 1.

After the opening ceremony is over, the competitors retire to their rooms at the neighbouring Cultivators’ Pavillion. Such pavilions tended to vary in quality of accommodation depending on the host country, but Wei Wuxian’s glad to see that the city of Lotus Pier has spared no expense in making sure the athletes were well-rested for the nighthunt ahead. 

He and Jiang Cheng are sharing a room at the pavillion, mostly from force of habit. Just as they’d finished unpacking their bags, the door to their room swings open to admit Jiang Yanli, who immediately tackles them both with hugs.

“I can’t believe it! Both of my boys competing in Worlds together at last!” 

“Sis, you’re going to break my ribs,” complains Jiang Cheng. 

“That’ll definitely be a disadvantage in a couple of days,” adds Wei Wuxian, as Jiang Yanli releases her brother and turns the full force of her sisterly affection on him instead. “Did I look cool on my horse? Please say I looked cool — ow! Hey! Stop it!”

“Nope. You must be subjected to the noogie of sisterly affection,” declares Jiang Yanli, before removing her fist from the top of his head with a pat. “How about some lotus rib soup?”

All other thoughts immediately fly from Wei Wuxian’s head. “You made some?” he demands. She nods cheerily, before setting a steel canteen onto the desk in the room and opening it, pouring out some fragrant soup into the cap. “Wow, this is amazing! World’s best shijie award should go to you.”

“A-Li should only get that award if she can tell us anything about the arena,” chimes in Jiang Cheng, as he crosses over to the pavilion window. Far below them, the softly glowing stadium still seems to reverberate with cheers, though the opening ceremony is long over. “Mom wouldn’t say a word, but we know you had a hand in designing it.”

“Just the local edibles,” demurs Jiang Yanli. “I didn’t even get to see the monster designs.”

“She’s just being modest.” Wei Wuxian turns from his soup to grin widely at her. “We all know you were in charge of the landscape and topography design!”

“Well, it’s going to be tough,” his shijie concedes after a moment. “But what did you expect from a World Championship? I wasn’t going to go easy on you two, you know.”

“Good! I wouldn’t want you to.” Wei Wuxian crosses his arms, and leans back in his chair so that it’s touching the desk. “Though, knowing you, you probably asked them to put in a dog specifically to mess with me.”

“I swear I didn’t ask anyone to put in any dogs,” replies Jiang Yanli, her expression extremely solemn. “I’m just in charge of the plants, remember?”

“Sure,” says Jiang Cheng, waving a hand. “I just hope it’s not like the Yiling competition back in juniors.” He shudders. “I still have nightmares from that sometimes.”

Wei Wuxian sighs. “I wish I could’ve been there,” he laments.

“You really don’t,” says Jiang Cheng. “The Burial Mounds section was the worst. I think the only person who really survived that was Lan Wangji, but that’s probably because the guy’s got a constitution of iron or something.”

“Why they ever thought exposing a bunch of twelve-year-olds to the Burial Mounds was a good idea is completely beyond me,” agrees Jiang Yanli. “But this year should be exciting! All the newcomers joining the senior division, plus A-Ying’s international debut. I doubt Lan Wangji’s victory will be as secure as the bookies seem to think, with my boys in the running as well.”

“Don’t tell me you’ve already bet on us, shijie,” Wei Wuxian remarks, raising an eyebrow.

“Well, Lan Wangji was only half a point from gold last year,” replies Jiang Yanli, “so he’s close, but still fallible. I’m sure one of you will give him a good run for his money.”

“You mean, you’re sure A-Ying is going to,” says Jiang Cheng, pretending to yawn. “Well, sis, it’s getting pretty late, and training starts bright and early tomorrow. We should sleep.”

“It’s only ten,” Wei Wuxian points out, but Jiang Cheng is already taking his sister by the shoulder and gesturing towards the door.

“You think Lan Wangji wins these competitions going to bed at one AM?” he demands. “We’re going to bed, if A-Li wants us to beat Lan Wangji.”

Jiang Yanli tosses a laugh over her shoulder. “I do,” she chirps. “Night, boys!”

But even for hours after she’d left and Jiang Cheng had gone to bed, Wei Wuxian finds himself sitting on the windowsill of their room, looking out towards the bright city lights of Lotus Pier, at the distant signals of ships pulling into docks down by the river. Of all the places to make his senior debut, he really is quite glad he’s able to do it on home turf. Lan Wangji’s senior debut last year had been at Moling, and Su She’s half-point victory over him had been the subject of controversy in the competitive cultivation world for the rest of the year. With home turf favouring him and Jiang Cheng, maybe they would have better luck with their debuts this year. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep finding random deleted scenes in my drafts...


	4. a dinner in lotus pier

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three Gamemasters discuss a budding rivalry.
> 
> Takes place between chapters 3 and 4.

“So,” declares Jin Guangyao as he enters the private dining room, “you two must be wondering why I gathered you here today.”

“No,” says Nie Mingjue immediately, not even looking up from his menu. “Let’s get the duck.”

“Mingjue,” chides Lan Xichen, patting his hand. “Our head gamemaster has something to say.”

“Our head gamemaster wants to change the game system for the Qinghe competition next year,” retorts Nie Mingjue. “I won’t stand for it.”

“It’s not that different from usual?” wonders Jin Guangyao, his brows furrowing as he takes his spot at the table as well, grabbing his own menu. “Hmm, let’s get the fish. Yunmeng’s fish is very fresh, you know.”

“Duck,” insists Nie Mingjue, slamming down his menu. “And no. You are caving to the whims of the Internet.”

“He has a point,” Lan Xichen adds. “The methods of cultivation exhibited in the game plan for next year veers very closely to demonic cultivation, which is a subset of necromancy practices banned by the Geneva Conventions —”

“I get it,” says Jin Guangyao. “But Xinglu Ridge is hosting this year, and given their history as a Qinghe chieftain burial ground —”

“That’s my family you’re talking about,” snaps Nie MIngjue. “I will not encourage any game that implies that cultivators can plunder the sacred sabre halls of my ancestors.”

Jin Guangyao raises an eyebrow. “You know we would not actually open a sabre hall to the competitors?”

“The principle stands.” Nie Mingjue’s eyes are steel. “No.”

Jin Guangyao idly checks his nails. “The designs are already underway.”

“Let’s get both duck and fish,” suggests Lan Xichen. “And Mingjue, if the arena only recreates a sabre hall, and the chieftain in question is no one recognisable from your family tree, could you not argue that it has nothing to do with your family?”

Nie Mingue’s brows knit together so hard that it’s almost impossible to separate one from the other. “Let’s table the discussion,” he suggests after a moment, as a server comes in to pour their tea. “Server, I’d like the duck.”

“And the fish,” adds Lan Xichen. “And… bamboo shoot soup? Would you two eat it with me?”

“Sure.” Jin Guangyao spins the lazy susan to take his cup. Nie Mingjue immediately spins it back. “Oh, let’s add… sautéed jinhua cai.”

“That’s just alfalfa,” Nie Mingjue points out drily.

“I know,” replies Jin Guangyao, his smile shark-like. “But I like jinhua cai better. It sounds nicer.”

Nie Mingjue mutters something that sounds like ‘typical’ under his breath. Lan Xichen laughs uneasily.

“And three bowls of rice,” he finishes, smiling at the server, who nods and leaves. “Now, then. What did you want to talk to us about, A-Yao?”

Jin Guangyao rests his chin on his hands. “Did you two notice something different about this competition?”

“Something different?” echoes Lan Xichen. “Wei Wuxian entered international competition for the first time. Top five, too. Not bad, considering his inexperience.”

“Yes, but also — I don’t think I’ve ever seen your brother pay so much attention to another competitor before.” Jin Guangyao looks over at Nie Mingjue. “You saw that too, right?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” says Nie Mingjue immediately, scowling into his teacup. “You’re seeing things.”

“Da-ge,” complains Jin Guangyao. “The viewers are loving whatever it is these two have got with one another! Let’s lean into it a little more next year, huh? Get some more press coverage, some behind the scenes action. Figure out what they really think about one another.”

“My brother’s just a kid, A-Yao,” chides Lan Xichen.

“You were how old again when you and da-ge tamed that tiger together?” 

That gets Lan Xichen to shut up. Nie Mingjue, too, is a bit red in the face, probably from the memories of that competition. Jin Guangyao sighs, running a finger around the rim of his teacup. The first of their dishes arrive: both the duck and the fish, accompanied by a tureen of bamboo shoot soup and a bottle of yellow wine.

“A bottle of Yunxian Yellow Wine for the three gentlemen, compliments of the house,” says one of the servers, pouring each of them a small cup. “This is a specialty of Yunmeng. We hope you enjoy.”

“Fascinating,” says Jin Guangyao, examining the cup as the servers leave. “Cheers, brothers. To another year of nighthunting.”

“To another year,” agrees Lan Xichen and Nie Mingjue, and raise their cups in toast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JGY's obsession with alfalfa was taken from this one dinner I had in Suzhou with my mom, where we were served that, but under the name "jinhua cai" (golden-flower vegetable). My mother was like "ooh, what exotic dish is this?? and why does it taste like alfalfa?" and it turns out it was just alfalfa lmao
> 
> I couldn't help but think how JGY that plant name was lol


	5. after baifeng mountain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lan Xichen finds his brother the morning after the 51st World Championships. 
> 
> Takes place after chapter 12.

Lan Xichen knows something is very, very wrong when he knocks at the door to his brother’s room and gets… nothing. 

“Wangji?” he calls through the wood. “Open up, the driver’s here.” 

Still no response. Lan Xichen knocks a little harder.

“Wangji, come on,” he wheedles, even as his gut turns with foreboding. “Don’t tell me you’ve got your rival in there or something.”

Immediately the door swings open to reveal that, no, his brother does not have his rival with him.

But his brother’s eyes are bloodshot, his face unusually red and blotchy. He ducks his head behind his hair, as if to hide his unseemliness, and Lan Xichen’s stomach lurches again as realisation strikes him.

“It’s okay,” he says, hand moving to his brother’s shoulder but hovering just a couple inches away, unsure. Lan Wangji looks away, and Lan Xichen sighs, folding his hands behind his back as he walks to the window, deliberately looking out at the rolling green of Baifeng Mountain’s forests. “You don’t have to explain.”

Lan Wangji hums, almost in relief. There’s the sound of fumbling, of the zippers on his suitcase closing. 

“I am ready, brother,” he says after a moment. “I apologise for my delay.”

Lan Xichen turns from the window, takes in the sight of his brother standing there with his suitcase, his guqin in its case on his back, his sword by his side. If it had not been for the puffiness of his eyes, it’d almost look like the end of any other competition. 

Lan Xichen remembers the last time he’d seen his brother openly cry. He’d never thought he’d see such a pitiful thing again. 

“You don’t have to explain,” he repeats, “but… tell me, do I need to hurt anyone?” 

He remembers Lan Wangji showing up to their apartment with a pair of rabbits he’d wanted to call Wang and Xian. He remembers Lan Wangji shoving the order for the black dizi into his hands, bright eyes plaintive in a way he hadn’t seen since they were children. He remembers Lan Wangji frustratedly pacing the floor before the infirmary at Lotus Pier, practically ranting (though to others it would have just looked like one sentence) about the impertinence of the new senior cultivator, about his unconventional background and tendencies to question authority — 

He also remembers how Lan Wangji had looked at his first Olympic gold, a shining but expected debut on top of a mountain of gold from juniors, and exhaled with a sense of resignation that should have never come from someone who had  _ just won Olympic gold _ — 

“I must try harder,” says Lan Wangji after a moment. “I do not think he understands.”

“Is anyone who makes you cry worth it?” wonders Lan Xichen. 

Lan Wangji glares at him. “Mama was worth it, too.”

“Yes, because she was your mother.” Lan Xichen sighs, striding towards the door. “But this is different, Zhanzhan. You don’t  _ have _ to like him so much.”

“Do you think I have not tried?” wonders Lan Wangji coldly. 

Lan Xichen takes the door handle. “You’ll see him again at the Olympics,” he muses, as he holds the door for his brother, taking his suitcase for him as well. “Maybe you can clear the air then. Tell him there was a misunderstanding, explain how you feel.”

“En.” Lan Wangji checks his mobile. “Where is our driver?”

“At the front,” says Lan Xichen, leading him down the corridor. “I bet Bengbeng misses you.”

The faintest hint of a smile twitches at Lan Wangji’s mouth, and as far as Lan Xichen’s concerned, that’s more than enough. 


	6. after baifeng mountain, take two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jin Zixuan notices something strange about his fellow competitor.
> 
> Takes place after chapter 12.

“Miss Jiang!” 

“Competitor Jin,” says Jiang Yanli, her expression soft and surprised as Jin Zixuan draws closer. “What… what brings you here?”

“I heard —” wheezes Jin Zixuan as he draws up beside her, “I heard my half-brother offered you a gamemaster position.”

A shadow flickers over Jiang Yanli’s face. “And?” she wonders, her voice tinged with a slight brittle edge. It’s a blink-and-you’d-miss-it sort of thing; if it weren’t for the fact that Jin Zixuan’s first memory of her is of an awkward taller girl gawking at him from the other side of a stadium hallway in Juniors, he would probably have never known that side of her. 

“Are you going to take it?” he asks, feeling the base of his collar heat under her intense grey stare. Most people dismiss her as ordinary, bleeding-heart, a bit of a doormat. It’s hard to escape it, with the tabloids gossiping about the state of the Jiang family as is. The turbulent relationship of Jiang Fengmian and Yu Ziyuan have captured CompCult fan attentions ever since their first competition together. More often than not, Jiang Yanli had been given sole credit for holding the delicate framework of the family together, whilst the confounding factor of Wei Wuxian had often been labelled the ‘disruptor-in-chief’.

Jin Zixuan supposes he himself doesn’t have much of a leg to stand on, especially considering Jin Guangyao. That being said, most people have already crafted preconceived notions of him, not to mention preconceived notions of Jiang Yanli. Even he, at one point, had merely considered her ‘mediocre’. 

Now he knows much, much better than that, especially after seeing her create the flora and fauna for the competition at Lotus Pier and the zhenniao antidote for this most recent competition at Baifeng. Jiang Yanli is the farthest thing in his estimation from mediocre, and it’s almost astounding how foolish he’d been in assuming otherwise. 

Jiang Yanli tilts her head to the side a little, her eyes narrowed. “Is it really your business whether or not I accept?” she wonders drily. Jin Zixuan can feel his cheeks heating at the implication, and he hastily takes a step back.

“No, no, I — it was just curiosity, I didn’t mean —” he flusters. “I was just wondering since, you know… next years’ Worlds is going to be in Lanling, so…” 

They manage to round the corner at that moment, stumbling across Wei Wuxian sitting out in the hallway next to a closed door. Jin Zixuan’s initial instinct upon seeing him is to bristle — after all, Wei Wuxian had won because of the glitch that had robbed Jin Zixuan of his own victory.

But when they draw closer, he can’t help but notice that Wei Wuxian’s eyes are red-rimmed. Jiang Yanli must have noticed the same, because she immediately kneels by his side, asking him if he’s all right.

“Fine,” manages Wei Wuxian after a moment, before slowly clambering to his feet. He blinks upon seeing Jin Zixuan, before averting his gaze. Jin Zixuan reckons talking about the results of this last competition would only make things worse, so he holds his tongue.

“Are you sure?” wonders Jiang Yanli, running a soothing hand across her brother’s forearm. “You know you can always come to me with anything, right?”

Wei Wuxian nods. “It’s fine,” he insists. “I just had an allergic reaction to some pollen, but I’m really much better now, I promise.”

“Oh.” Jiang Yanli nods, though her eyes remain hard. “Well, A-Cheng’s coming around with the car, if you’d like to get yourself checked out.”

“Aye aye, shijie,” replies Wei Wuxian drily, mock saluting her. He barely shoots Jin Zixuan a look before he’s heading off with none of the usual spring in his step. 

(Jin Zixuan hates that he noticed that.)

“A-Cheng reported him missing from their room,” says Jiang Yanli as soon as Wei Wuxian is out of earshot. “Something happened. I’d wager it has something to do with Lan Wangji, too.”

Jin Zixuan sighs. “At this point I’d almost hope so,” he mutters. “The two of them have danced around one another for far too long.”

Jiang Yanli huffs in amusement at that. “And yet you insist on dancing around me, Zixuan,” she points out. Jin Zixuan immediately chokes on air. 

“ _What_?” he demands. “No, I — I really _was_ just curious! I really was wondering if you were going to take the job!”

Jiang Yanli hums, unimpressed. Jin Zixuan lowers his head with a resigned sigh.

“I was hoping you’d come to Lanling sooner,” he admits. “To visit me. Instead of just getting to work on the arena for the next Worlds.”

“There are extensive plans in place for it already,” says Jiang Yanli. “And I haven’t given Head Gamemaster Jin my answer yet.”

“Please,” offers Jin Zixuan. “Come visit me.”

“Next year is a long ways off, Zixuan,” replies Jiang Yanli, her eyes twinkling with amusement, lit like sunlight rippling across a lotus pond. Jin Zixuan’s breath hitches in spite of himself.

“How about the Olympics, then?” he asks. “We could visit Caiyi after your brothers’ events.”

Jiang Yanli inclines her head. “I’d love to,” she murmurs, and her smile goes right to Jin Zixuan’s heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally written as a birthday ficlet for someone on my Discord. Thank you for your support!


	7. The Late Show with Wang Huqiu: Lan Xichen's Interview

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Or: Lan Xichen is secretly a late night comedian wearing a Gamemaster costume.
> 
> Takes place between chapters 12 and 13.

_Transcript of Lan Xichen’s appearance on the_ Late Show with Wang Huqiu:

 **WHQ:** And now, for our special guest tonight. He’s a nighthunting champion turned gamemaster, let’s give it up for… Lan Xichen!  
**LXC:** Thank you! It’s an honour to be here tonight.  
**WHQ:** The honour’s all mine. The fans in the third row are yours, though. [ _cameras pan to an entire line of Gusu-blue-and-white-clad fans, screaming and holding up Zewu-jun banners_ ] Could you, actually, explain how you got the title Zewu-jun?  
**LXC:** Oh god [ _facepalm_ ] That’s actually… that’s actually quite the story. I do believe it was the 40th WNC, so… I’m about to recount a tale of underage drug usage.  
**WHQ:** Oh my. What happened?

 **LXC:** So the 40th WNC was held in Yunnan, in this… kinda marshy place not far from Dali. Some of the older competitors had snuck in alcohol in their qiankun bags, because this was before that doping scandal that led to tighter qiankun bag restrictions. The first night, most of the competitors that’d made it past the initial wave of corpses gathered for a little bit of safety in numbers, and started passing a flask of Jiugui around their campfire.  
**WHQ:** Oh my gods, like real Jiugui? From Western Yunmeng?  
**LXC:** Yes. And I had two swigs of it before I blacked out. Like, my brain cannot remember _anything_ from that night. It had gone to bed and left my body in charge. Which is, as anyone who has ever been blackout drunk can tell you, a _terrible_ idea.  
**WHQ:** Two swigs? I mean, I’m hoping this was the first time you even touched alcohol, right?  
**LXC:** Yes. The Cloud Recesses have a rule against it, not to mention the way my brother and I were raised. I love my uncle, but his philosophy on rearing children is ‘anything that sparks too much joy is bad’. So sorta like a reverse Marie Kondo.  
**WHQ:** Mmhmm… I can see that. His rectorship of the University of Caiyi has definitely cracked down on campus parties, yes.  
**LXC** : Yes. Anyway. I’m blackout drunk, so I don’t actually remember any of this actually happening, but I’ve been informed by the tapes — which were cut from the official broadcast, but we still have the footage — that I took off all of my clothes, jumped into one of the marshes, and declared myself ‘King of the Bog’.  
**WHQ:** [ _wheezing_ ] King of the — !  
**LXC:** Yes, _please_ take a moment and just… savour the mental image of seventeen-year-old me, wearing only the finest of swamp mud and marsh weeds, declaring that I was _King of the Bog_. I’m thankful the INU hasn’t released the footage, though, because the real thing is going to be a disappointment compared to whatever you guys in the third row are thinking about right now.  
_[He winks, and moves his hands in a side-to-side gesture, as if exaggerating the length of something._ ]  
**WHQ:** If I see drawings on the Internet of this after this episode airs, I’m going to send them all to you.  
**LXC:** Oh, please do. I would love to see how flattering they make me. [ _Moves his hands again, before pretending to settle on an absurdly long length_.]  
**WHQ:** And that’s how you became known as Zewu-jun?  
**LXC:** Yup. King of the Bog, at your service.  
**WHQ:** Give it up for the King of the Bog, everyone! We’ll be right back with more CompCult stories.

 **WHQ:** So we’re back, and I have here with me Zewu-jun, or five-time CompCult World Champion and two-time Olympic medallist Lan Xichen!  
**LXC:** Thank you, everyone!  
**WHQ:** Now the Olympics are going to be in Caiyi in about a month or so, which is pretty exciting and stressful, I’d imagine.  
**LXC:** Oh, a little less stressful for me. They have a different gamemaster team for the Olympics.  
**WHQ:** A different team? How does that work?  
**LXC:** There’s several gamemasters. Nie Mingjue, Jin Guangyao, Zhao Zhuliu, and so on. Generally most of the member countries of the INU have at least one gamemaster in the pool, and we work in teams of three to five to develop each game. All of the designs are approved by the Head, who is also responsible for designing the World Championships competition.  
**WHQ:** So Jin Guangyao is responsible for designing every Worlds competition.  
**LXC:** Well, he creates the framework, sets up sort of the beats of the game — what the first targets are, what the endgame will be. The rest of us help him realise that vision. Generally each team will have someone local to the area, too, just so we can get the details right.  
**WHQ:** So how’d something like the glitch at the Baifeng competition happen?  
**LXC:** I can’t really say much on it, but we’re investigating, and making safeguards to prevent it from happening again.  
**WHQ:** Got it. So why aren’t you on the Olympics team, then? Since it’s in Gusu, we’d have thought you’d be jumping at the chance.  
**LXC:** I was consulted, briefly, but you know there’s all these conspiracy theories that I give my brother technical bonuses on his kills through the game. I don’t, for the record. But the Olympics is a very important event, since most CompCult athletes only get to go once or twice in their lives, and I didn’t want my brother’s second try for Olympic gold to be tainted by anything. He has won all of these other competitions by himself; I think he’ll have Olympic gold in the bag, too.  
**WHQ:** You sure about that? What about his rival, Wei Wuxian?  
**LXC:** … Competitor Wei, huh.  
**WHQ:** You don’t like him?  
**LXC:** Let’s just say… I don’t _dislike_ him. He’s a good kid. He keeps my brother on his toes.  
**WHQ:** Oh, but there’s a story here, isn’t there.  
**LXC:** There are _so_ many stories, but they would embarrass Wangji if I told any of them.  
**WHQ:** Something tells me you’re dying to share, though.  
**LXC:** Was it because I sent you the anecdote ahead of time?  
**WHQ:** It might have been.  
**LXC:** Well, here’s a story from after the 50th WNC in Qishan. Some of you might have seen on social media that my brother and Wei Wuxian exchanged stuffed rabbits at that competition. They were apparently selling them at some tourist alley in Nightless City, and the two of them went on separate occasions to get a stuffed rabbit for the other. Very cute, right? Well, a week or two after that, Wangji shows up in our apartment with two _live_ rabbits.  
**WHQ:** Isn’t owning animals also against the rules at the Cloud Recesses?  
**LXC:** Oh, he straight up went right to the Homeowner’s Association office, set down the cages, and paid the fines. Auntie Chen told me she was shocked at his audacity. Like he was basically saying, _here I am, breaking the rules, and you can’t do anything about it._  
**WHQ:** And they really can’t?  
**LXC:** There’s no point. Our apartment is a penthouse, it has more than enough space for them, and there’s already a small warren in the gardens anyway. I suspect my brother might have just straight-up caught two of the rabbits from the gardens instead of, I dunno, going to a pet store like a normal human being.  
**WHQ:** And he did all of that because Wei Wuxian gave him a stuffed bunny?  
**LXC:** That’s my theory, yes. My brother doesn’t tell me anything these days. He didn’t even tell me the two rabbits were male. I once caught them you know… [ _he makes a circle with one hand and points into it_ ] and I was terrified for weeks after that they were going to breed.  
**WHQ:** Must’ve been a relief when you found out they were both male.  
**LXC:** Yeah, you can imagine. But they’re very cute! I keep telling Wangji to get a Weibo so he can share the pics he keeps taking of them. [ _shares a couple rabbit photos_ ]  
**WHQ:** Aww! What are their names?  
**LXC:** Wangji would kill me if I told you.  
**WHQ:** Really? Are they cute? Or stupid? Did he name them after himself and Wei Wuxian?  
**LXC:** You know, he almost did that. But I told him that was a terrible idea, so he settled for Bengbeng and Tiaotiao instead. Oh. Wait. Shouldn’t have said that. SORRY WANGJI!  
**WHQ:** Haha! If he kills you, we’ll all have to come to your funeral.  
**LXC:** Please pray for my soul.  
**WHQ:** I will. But wow, he really did almost name them after himself and Wei Wuxian, huh. You know how much the internet will love that.  
**LXC:** Oh, I’m aware. They’ve been clamouring for the footage that got blacked out at Baifeng.  
**WHQ:** What, the supposed kiss?  
**LXC:** Who said it was a kiss?  
**WHQ:** If it wasn’t a kiss, why did you take the stream down?  
**LXC:** I can neither confirm nor deny that it was a kiss. What my brother and Wei Wuxian like to do in the heat of competition is their problem.  
**WHQ** : But you have to admit your brother at least likes Wei Wuxian a lot.  
**LXC** : Oh, yes, he does admire Competitor Wei more than he’d care to admit. I mean, I personally think he could do much better, but my brother has always been a stubborn kid. The two of us started cultivating at a very young age, basically around 8 or so. It takes a couple years to form a golden core, so by the time a kid’s doing junior cultivation competitions they’re like ten, twelve, thirteen, because they need the years before that to master basic skills for competition. And when you’re that young, you don’t get like, real swords to wield because you’ll probably outgrow them in a year or two. But the swords the juniors do get to use still have the ability to respond to a golden core, and can fly.  
**WHQ:** When do you get a sword like Shuoyue, or your brother’s Bichen?  
**LXC:** If you make the decision to move into senior-division courses, you put in the order with your sect for one. It takes about a year or so to make it, and you have some say in the design — it’s a very personal thing for each cultivator, and every sword made for a senior CompCult athlete is special, so…  
**WHQ:** Got it. What about special weapons?  
**LXC:** Those you get trained on basically as soon as you start specialising in the cultivation styles of your sect. My brother and I have been learning guqin as an instrument since basically before we started school, but we didn’t learn things like the qin language or Inquiry until later. Anyway, my brother and I started cultivating around 8 so we could enter Juniors as soon as possible. It took me some time to get my core and to get the proper skills, but Wangji? Got his core in under a year, and then immediately took his junior sword out to Lake Biling to try and fly on it.  
**WHQ:** Can’t blame him, lots of kids want to know how to fly.  
**LXC:** He didn’t tell my uncle or me that he was going there. He just straight up grabbed his sword and left. He… has a tendency to do that, actually, just do something without notice. It’s good when it’s something you actually need done, but… this time, we had to call the police and get them to find him. They did, dragging him back to the Cloud Recesses by the scruff of his neck like a wet kitten. And he really was, too, since he fell in the lake so many times. He came down with a cold, but the instant it abated he was back at the lake trying to fly on his sword. We caught him this time before he left the apartment entirely and insisted on going with him.  
**WHQ** : So determined! No wonder you think he’s got Olympic gold in the bag.  
**LXC:** I could be proven wrong, you know.  
**WHQ:** Well, it was fantastic to see you on here with us. [ _shakes his hand_ ] Lan Xichen, everyone!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I posted a poll on Twitter asking people how LXC would've gotten his title in Rivals. Here's the other version of his backstory:
> 
>  **LXC:** So one of the other competitors brought in something he called ‘special cakes’. He wouldn’t share it with anyone, said they were his special cakes and he needed them for medical reasons. The thing is, these special cakes looked a lot like Formosan pineapple shortcakes. I _love_ Formosan pineapple shortcakes.  
>  **WHQ:** Oh no, I think I know where this is going.  
>  **LXC:** Do you? Wanna predict what I did next?  
>  **WHQ:** You ate some of the cakes.  
>  **LXC:** I sure did. And what did I find in the cakes?  
>  **WHQ:** …Oh my, I don’t know.  
>  **LXC:** Hemp seeds.  
>  **WHQ:** Oh _no_.  
>  **LXC:** That competitor came from Yunnan, where they grow a lot of hemp and use it in their cultivation. The smoke helps eradicate spirits, and consuming the seeds is said to allow you to commune with spirits. Well, I didn’t _know that_ at the time. I thought I’d gotten _poisoned_.  
>  **WHQ:** Oh heavens…  
>  **LXC:** I could taste colours. I could see _textures_. I was floating at the ceiling looking down at my body twitching on the bed. It was the most _terrible_ thing I had _ever_ experienced in my short, short life.  
>  **WHQ:** When did you recover?  
>  **LXC:** Oh, that, I’m not sure. I don’t honestly remember half of what happened to me that night, but Mingjue da-ge has told me some of the stuff he _claims_ I did. Like how I’d climbed onto a table in the dining hall and started eating all the leftover food. Like I didn’t even care what it was, or if it would break my pre-game diet. He also said when he tried to get me back to my room I started smushing his cheeks and telling him he was a big teddy bear.  
>  **WHQ:** Is Nie Mingjue a big teddy bear? Would you say that sober?  
>  **LXC:** … I like having my limbs attached to my body, thank you.  
>  **WHQ:** So how did this end up with you getting the title Zewu-jun?  
>  **LXC:** Well, if you look back to the tapes from the first night of the competition, you’ll see I was still a bit unwell from my little adventure with the special cakes. That competitor from Yunnan was pretty good-natured about it since I was so young, and he started calling me Zewu-jun because the hemp he used to make those cakes came from a marsh, and… it stuck.  
>  **WHQ:** Give it up for Zewu-jun, everyone! We’ll be right back with more CompCult stories.
> 
> So why this convoluted nonsense about his name? The rough translation of Zewu-jun is "lord of the overgrown marsh":  
> 泽 - marsh (but also blessing)  
> 芜 - overgrown with weeds  
> 君 - lord
> 
> So I was basically asking people to choose between "king of the bog" and "weed lord" for his backstory, and king of the bog won out ahaha


	8. no stranger to love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Or: The Infamous YOI Chapter from my April Fools joke last year.
> 
> Takes place during chapter 13.

“Houston, we have a problem,” says Phichit Chulanont as he looks up from his phone. 

“My name is Yuuri, but sure,” says Yuuri Katsuki, still engrossed in his. 

It’s just another afternoon in Saint Petersburg, and Phichit is visiting to escape the Bangkok humidity. Viktor is out getting groceries, and should be back any minute. 

And when he’s back, Phichit has every intention to get the fuck out, because no one wants to be trapped in the same room with _those two_ when they get handsy. Phichit loves his friends, but there are some things you don’t want to know about them. At all.

“We really do, though!” he says, waggling the phone closer to Yuuri’s face. A Weibo feed is displayed on it, full of table flip emojis. “Lan Wangji went onto CaiyiTalk 100 and said he and Wei Wuxian are just competitors! We have to do something about this!”

Yuuri pushes the phone away from his face. “So what? They are, aren’t they?”

Phichit almost screams at that. “Have you been paying attention, Yuuri? Anyone with eyes can see Lan Wangji has been in love with his rival since at least their first competition together. And everyone knows they kissed at the last competition; why else would there have been a blackout?”

“Okay, but what’s the crisis then?” wonders Yuuri. Phichit groans audibly.

“They’re about to compete in the Olympics, Yuuri. You know what happens at the Olympics, right? You weren’t born yesterday, and everyone knows your own husband once ended up in some hot tub orgy with half of the hockey —” 

He’s cut off by way of couch cushion to his face. “Nope, we’re _not_ talking about that,” says Yuuri, his cheeks bright pink. “And again, so what? They’re adults who can talk this out like adults, right?”

“Did you and Viktor talk it out like adults? Oh no, you didn’t, you had to try a quad flip in competition before he could even _try_ to make the first move —”

“Shut up.” Yuuri’s cheeks are pink. “Remember the last time _you_ tried to matchmake?”

Phichit bristles at that. “I couldn’t have known that they were exes! Come on, my other attempts turned out ok…” 

Yuuri is truly being unsympathetic to his plight. This is a crisis — Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji clearly like one another but aren’t together for some reason, and if the debauchery at the Winter Olympics is of any indication, the Summer ones may be even worse. And Lan Wangji has just declared open season on both him and his rival.

Yuuri rolls his eyes, having listened to Phichit’s impassioned ramble with a straight face. “They’re not in our sport. They’re not even at our _Olympics_.”

“But two hearts are hurting, Yuuri!” Phichit widens his eyes and wobbles his lips, a surefire way to get Yuuri Katsuki to capitulate like a house of wet spaghetti. “How can you look at their pain and say we don’t have to do anything?”

“...I’m not playing matchmaker to a bunch of athletes from another sport,” Yuuri insists, though weakly.

Phichit retaliates with more lip wobble. Yuuri sighs, rubs his forehead.

“What’s the plan?” he groans. 

Phichit punches the air. “Yes! You’re the best!”

Yuuri flops back onto the couch pillows, groaning harder. Phichit laughs, and makes a mental note to ask Viktor if he’s mastered the art of the puppy dog pout just yet.

* * *

“You invited Guanghong.” Yuuri’s voice is flat. Phichit claps his hands excitedly from over his Viennese coffee, as Ji Guanghong takes a seat next to them. 

“He’s the one who got me into CompCult!” exclaims Phichit. “How’s the off-season been treating you, A-Hong?”

“Transportation talismans are expensive, and I have to get back to Caiyi before tomorrow,” says Guanghong, flagging down a server to order a cappuccino. “Ugh, I’ve gotten used to spiritual energy in my coffee lately, so this is gonna be a downer.”

Phichit sighs dreamily. “I can’t believe you’re actually going to go see the Caiyi Olympics. It’ll be so cool to see Hanguang-jun in person!”

“Oh, definitely.” Guanghong bounces a little in his seat. “He’s so good… his moves are so graceful… he really makes CompCult like an art form…” 

“The Viktor Nikiforov of CompCult?” wonders Phichit.

“Well, he’s not _undefeated_ ,” says Guanghong, tapping his chin. “Wei Wuxian makes sure of that.”

“That’s why I asked for you to come here!” says Phichit. “Do you have either of them on SNS?”

Guanghong makes a face. “Lan Wangji isn’t on SNS,” he says. 

“Ugh. Of course.” Phichit rolls his eyes. “Just like how it took a marriage and an Olympic gold medal before Yuuri would even make an Instagram.”

“Email’s a fine way to get in contact with me,” protests Yuuri.

“What’s the fun in that?” scoffs Phichit. “Okay. Do you have Wei Wuxian on anything? I’ve been looking for his WeChat username for a while but it might be kinda creepy coming from me…”

“I’m friends with his friend, Wen Qionglin,” says Guanghong. “I could probably ask… we’re in the same groupchat for livestreaming dramas…” 

“Ooh, can I get in on that?” wonders Phichit. “Did you guys watch _The_ _Scum Villain’s Self-Saving System_ yet? Because I need someone to yell about _Scum Villain_ with.”

“No, but it’s in the queue.” Guanghong scrolls through his phone. “We’re currently doing _Heaven’s Official Blessing_ …” 

“Holy shit, I love _Heaven’s Official Blessing_ — did you guys see the latest episode? The Beefleaf arc? I’m still in recovery from —”

“ _Spoilers_!” shrieks Guanghong. 

Yuuri clears his throat, as Guanghong’s cappuccino arrives at the table. “Can we get back to the plan to play matchmaker to these other guys?”

“Right,” says Guanghong. “Let me get Wei Wuxian’s WeChat…”

* * *

**Wei Wuxian**

_I’ve added you as a friend. Let’s chat!_

hey! i’m a friend of wen ning’s! cheering you on in gusu 👍

thank you! 

wen ning is competing too you know 

yeah but not for qishan 😛 that entire doping thing is 😬

aren’t you also from qishan?

yeah 😛😛 i got the all-clear too! 

haha good! i’m sorry i don’t really follow winter sports 

wen ning says you’re really good though!!

not as good as some others, i’m still working on my quad flip haha

you’re just like wen ning lmao 

* * *

“He’s onto us.” Guanghong scrubs at his face, the phone lying on the table between them. 

“Who’s onto you?” asks Viktor Nikiforov’s voice from the kitchen. “Guanghong, please don’t tell me you’re in trouble. I still haven’t gotten the last of that Bratva guy’s blood out of the carpet in the guest room.”

“That sounds like a thrilling story,” says Phichit.

“And one we don’t have time for,” interrupts Yuuri, also in the kitchen. “Vitya, come on, you said you’d finish chopping the potatoes.”

“ _Okay_ , solnyshko,” trills Viktor, ducking back into the kitchen to help his husband. Phichit suspects not a lot of cooking is going to happen.

Guanghong sighs. “It’ll be weird if I started trying to meddle with him directly,” he says, taking back his phone. “I mean, I _just_ added him. I can’t start giving him relationship advice right now; there’s usually like a waiting period of at least a month before that seems even remotely acceptable.”

“Do you think we have a month?” wonders Phichit.

Guanghong shakes his head. “Not with the Olympics. We’ll have to figure out some other way.”

Phichit considers it. “What have you asked him so far? I’m assuming it’s not in English, so…”

Guanghong shrugs. “We’re just talking about the Olympics.”

“Ask him if he’s heard about the Olympic Village’s reputation?” suggests Phichit.

Guanghong purses his lips and types out the message.

* * *

**Wei Wuxian**

so you know the olys village is super debauched right

i’m seeing it with my own eyes yes 

you got plans for that?

i didn’t mean to type that my friend got the phone

haha! it’s ok

no not really, i’m not here to meet people in that sense

besides what happens at the olympics stays at the olympics right?

yeah 😋 when i went i just sorta played video games with my friends after events!

winter olympics right? that’s cool haha

brb 

* * *

“I really do have to leave,” says Guanghong apologetically as he ducks and bows on the threshold of the flat. “The transportation talisman hub is so far from this place and my ticket’s at six…”

“You can’t delay it?” asks Phichit. He doesn’t want to be third-wheeling by himself. It already took Yuuri’s retaliatory puppy dog pout to get him to stay for dinner.

Of course the student would become the master. That’s always how Yuuri has functioned.

“Would have to rebook, and it’s such a hassle.” Guanghong sighs. “I’m sorry we didn’t get very far with your little project.”

Phichit waves a hand. “I’ve got other methods,” he says, and hugs Guanghong goodbye. 

Yuuri raises an eyebrow the instant the door closes. “Other methods?” he echoes, suspicious.

“I have other friends,” replies Phichit, and starts scrolling through his Instagram feed to find other athletes who’d be at the Olympics.

* * *

 **To:** Cute Thai Bloke from Insta   
so you want me to do what?

 **From:** Cute Thai Bloke from Insta   
hit on wwx in front of lwj

 **To:** Cute Thai Bloke from Insta   
wwx? wei wuxian, compcult?

 **From:** Cute Thai Bloke from Insta   
that’s the one!!

 **To:** Cute Thai Bloke from Insta   
oooh, he’s not bad. you sure i can’t try to pull him for real?

 **From:** Cute Thai Bloke from Insta   
omg no that would defeat the purpose!! just flirt with him in front of the gusu compcult guy, lwj

 **To:** Cute Thai Bloke from Insta   
he’s also cute, are you sure i can’t get myself a compcult sandwich 😘

 **From:** Cute Thai Bloke from Insta   
omg i don’t think that’s gonna happen

 **To:** Cute Thai Bloke from Insta   
are u doubting my pulling ability 😕

 **From:** Cute Thai Bloke from Insta   
no!! omg just flirt with him ok   
call him wuxian-gege 😏


	9. interception route

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternate lead-up to the smut at the end of Chapter 13.

Wei Wuxian’s not sure how he managed to stay standing throughout the medal ceremony. Both he and Jiang Cheng, who had taken bronze, are draped into the Yunmeng flag and laden with flowers. On the silver tier, Lan Wangji is as stoic as ever in the Gusu flag, his silver medal shining bright on his chest. 

Now that he’s won, the Olympic Village transforms into an oyster of possibilities. With the golden disc snug around his neck, Wei Wuxian finds himself fielding invites left, right, and centre for parties and get-togethers, bar hopping and rendezvouses. Almost every single one of them is presented with seductive intent, be it a bold touch to his chest or a flutter of lashes. One American pole vaulter even murmurs something in his ear about how he’d love to vault him on his pole. Wei Wuxian feels the urge to take a very long cleansing shower after hearing that.

Of course, second place is nothing to sneeze at, either, and coupled with Lan Wangji’s perfect _everything_ it’s quite a dangerous cocktail for this athlete’s playground. Lan Wangji, however, seems determined to pay attention to one thing and one thing only — Cornettos. 

(Wei Wuxian vaguely wonders if he should be jealous of that. After seeing Lan Wangji’s tongue lap at the dessert, though, he has to admit he is, indeed, very jealous of an ice cream cone.)

“Wuxian-gege!” The familiar trill distracts Wei Wuxian from his fiftieth Chicken McNugget. He looks up, grinning as the British gymnasts drape themselves around him. “Congratulations on your win!”

“There’s going to be a party in our room later, if you’re interested,” a Brazilian football player adds sweetly, insinuating himself against him. “We got lots of the local wine… the Emperor’s Smile? Heard it’s your favourite.”

“I could drink a jug of that and not get drunk,” boasts Wei Wuxian. A cheer rises through the nearby Olympians. 

“Well, that’s a sight I don’t want to miss,” declares a Swiss diver. Wei Wuxian has the distinct feeling he’s going to regret making that claim, even if it’s true. Sure enough, the deep scowl on Lan Wangji’s face at the sight of all these other athletes hanging onto him makes guilt rear its ugly head deep inside him.

And that’s how Wei Wuxian finds himself in the Brazilian quarter of the Olympic Village, where the music pounds and thrums through his veins and the alcohol flows freer than the hair of the giggling British gymnast in his arms. She has her arms draped around his shoulders, her hips swaying in time with his to the music. It’s intoxicating in its own way.

“Wuxian-gege,” she teases, bumping her nose against his collar, “it’s getting so hot in here, don’t you think?” 

Wei Wuxian can already hear moans in the darker corners of the room, as other people pair off for the night. Excitement thrums through him, as the gymnast grabs his wrist, crooking a finger at him as she drags him out towards the door. 

The halls of this dorm complex are just as filled with horny athletes as the parties themselves. People drunkenly cheer him and the gymnast on as she leads him through the courtyard, across the campus park. Even out here, people seem to be making use of every available surface. There’s a crash as someone falls out of a tree, and Wei Wuxian laughs when he recognises who it is. 

“A-Cheng!” he exclaims, as Jiang Cheng picks himself up off the grass. His shidi is shirtless, the bronze medal peeking out of his shorts pocket. Wei Wuxian tries to extend a hand, but then Mianmian, with her hair and clothes askew, lands lightly on the ground beside him and helps him up. 

“You don’t mind if we use your room, Yuandao?” she asks. Wei Wuxian gapes at her. “I’ll take that as a yes,” she says, giggling as she tugs Jiang Cheng away. Wei Wuxian turns, wide-eyed, back to his own date for the night, who only grins and crooks her finger at him again. She’s about to flounce into her own dorm complex, but suddenly finds someone in white blocking her way. 

“Oh!” she gasps, her hands fumbling around as if trying to figure out what she’d bumped into. When she cranes her head up, she’s greeted by Lan Wangji’s glare. “Wangji! Fancy meeting you here! Wuxian-gege talks about you quite an awful lot.”

“I do?” echoes Wei Wuxian, bemused. Lan Wangji turns the brunt of his glare on him, and Wei Wuxian feels a shiver of half-fear, half-arousal run down his spine.

“Mmhmm.” The gymnast sways slightly, her hands seemingly careless as they clutch a handful of Lan Wangji’s ass to steady herself. Wei Wuxian’s soul almost departs his body at the sight, especially as Lan Wangji makes a slight choking noise at her daring act. “You know, there’s always room for one more. I’ve always wanted to be in a compcult sandwich.”

Lan Wangji swiftly recovers. “No,” he states baldly, pushing her back. “You appear to be inebriated.”

“Never stopped me before,” she says, and tosses a look over her shoulder. “And Wuxian-gege’s been drinking, too. Would that stop you?”

“I’m fine,” says Wei Wuxian, raising his hands. “Emperor’s Smile isn’t that strong for me.”

“You should go to sleep,” Lan Wangji tells the gymnast, pushing her back further. He then turns to Wei Wuxian, mouth working as if he wants to say something else, before promptly spinning on his heel and vanishing back into the dorm. 

“No, wait — Lan Zhan!” Wei Wuxian lurches for the door, but the gymnast tugs at his wrist, pouting. “I’m sorry, I — you’re very nice. There’s still a couple days left, and I need to settle — Lan Zhan, wait up!” And he breaks free, rushing after Lan Wangji’s retreating shadow.

The night air is crisp and bracing as he enters the courtyard of this dorm complex. Here things are a bit more subdued; more people here are asleep than sleeping with one another. Granted, some of them are clad in little more than their medals and socks, but at least they aren’t actively going at it. Wei Wuxian quietly steps past them, and races over to the elevator to intercept the door before Lan Wangji closes it entirely. 

“Lan Zhan, stop this,” he hisses, pushing himself into the lift. “You’re being childish.”

Lan Wangji stiffens even further, if that was possible. “ _I_ am being childish,” he repeats incredulously.

“We’ve both stated we’re not together, but you go and wreck my date with whatsherface anyway —”

“You do not even know her name?” asks Lan Wangji, arching an eyebrow.

“What happens in the Village, stays in the Village,” says Wei Wuxian, more as a half-hearted defense than anything else. Lan Wangji sees through it, too, if his unamused huff is of any indication. A cold awkwardness seeps into the air, especially considering the lift itself smells a bit like sex.

“I know you’re mad at me,” Wei Wuxian blurts after a couple minutes. Lan Wangji raises his other eyebrow. “You know, for what I said at Baifeng.”

“I am not,” says Lan Wangji, though the grit of his jaw tells Wei Wuxian otherwise.

“Don’t lie to me,” he scoffs. “I rejected you, didn’t I? People tend to get mad about that.”

“You had your reasons,” replies Lan Wangji stiffly. “I intend to honour them.”

“Really.” Wei Wuxian’s not sure what’s possessing him to goad Lan Wangji like this, but it sure as hell isn’t honour. “What’s with the vinegary look you were throwing everyone in the dining hall, then? You ignore me for half of the competition, even turn your back on me when I greet you, and then you act all offended when other people express interest in me? You know I could have fucked my way around the world with these athletes by now, if it weren’t for the fact that every time I consider it, I get _your_ face in my head instead?” 

Lan Wangji bears down on him, expression thunderous. “Do not blame me for your own shortcomings in… finding a _mate_ ,” he spits, leaning into Wei Wuxian’s personal space with a glare. “I am not your keeper, as you have made abundantly clear.”

 _You are not mine_ , lies unspoken between them, _and I am not yours_.

 _But I_ want _to be yours_ , Wei Wuxian protests, in a little, tiny portion of his heart that he keeps trying to squash. But like hope itself, it always seems to spring back up. He looks up, deep into the beautiful mask of Lan Wangji’s face, and does something very, very stupid.

He reaches out and kisses him.

And Lan Wangji kisses back with the force of a tidal wave. It’s as if he, too, has had his resolve whittled down to the finest of threads by everything that’d happened today — winning silver, fielding propositions, avoiding the worst of the parties — and now, finally, it had met its final straw. 

Given enough heat and pressure, even an iron core will buckle and melt. And Lan Wangji’s is melting right before Wei Wuxian’s eyes, as his mouth sucks a hungry line down the column of Wei Wuxian’s neck. He pauses just as the lift opens up to his floor, and tugs Wei Wuxian out just before another drunken couple ventures inside looking for somewhere to go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My editor and I made the decision not to go with this route since it felt more angry and confrontational than what was needed. Let me know if you think that was the right call or if you'd have preferred Lan Wangji chugging vinegar like this ahahaha


	10. what happens at the Olys...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Extra worldbuilding snippets and deleted lines from the Caiyi arcs.
> 
> Takes place during chapters 13-15.

_Deleted scenes from the Parade of Nations:_

[Wei Wuxian smiles, takes a deep breath, and follows the woman in blue and white announcing Team Yunmeng out into the screaming stadium] ...where dozens of white-clad cheerleaders are dancing and screaming all along the route.

There’s even more people packed into this stadium than for his first World Championship at Lotus Pier. The noise is deafening; the spectators are a sea of blue and white. Somewhere in this vast crowd, Jiang Yanli is sitting there trying to get photos of him and Jiang Cheng. As Team Yunmeng passes by the heads of state, Wei Wuxian beams brighter for the cameras. The Prime Minister of Yunmeng waves at him, while the Prime Minister of Gusu merely nods. 

Gusu, as the host country, brings up the rear as the Parade of Nations draws to a close. A slight hush falls over the crowd at first, before they erupt into even louder cheers than before. Wei Wuxian turns towards the screens showing the camera feeds, and for a moment he forgets how to breathe. 

Team Gusu is clad in sparkling white suits, waving and beaming excitedly for the cameras. At their head strides Lan Wangji, solemnly bearing the Gusu flag whilst arrayed in the traditional white robes of the Lan family. 

[something else about how beautiful lwj is (sic)]

Lan Xichen is the cauldron lighter, dressed in cultivator robes patterned like the wings of a dove. He flies Shuoyue up to light the cauldron; once it is lit, several doves fly out through the flames before vanishing into the night.

* * *

What happened to Im Seong-hun, the cute South Korean archer, when he went to visit Wen Ning:

 **ISH:** So you said you wanted to spend time together tonight, and I wasn’t exactly sure what you meant, so I put on some nice clothes, but it seems there’s been some sort of misunderstanding?  
 **WN:** No, I really did want to spend some time with you!  
 **ISH:** Oh! Okay, well… why are you playing videogames then?  
 **WN:** Yeah! I wanted to see if you could help me beat this level of Kingdom Hearts… 

_Im Seong-hun quickly hides the packet of condoms and lube he’d gotten from the sad green man into his jacket pocket._

**ISH, obviously relieved:** Yeah! Definitely. What did you need help on?

The morning after:

 **WWX:** Wen Ning! Did you have fun last night?  
 **WN:** I did, actually!  
 **WWX:** Oh _really_. [ _leans in closer_ ] Deets. Deets. Deets.  
 **WN, blushing:** Oh, it’s a bit complicated…  
 **WWX:** Complicated? Now I’m really interested.  
 **WN:** And kinda long…  
 **WWX:** I’m listening!  
 **WN:** We were pretty much flying by the seat of our pants…  
 **WWX:** Lots of cool things at the seat of your pants, yes.  
 **WN:** And I kept getting shitty rolls on initiative…  
 **WWX:** Interesting way to put it, but sure?  
 **WN:** But in the end we laid siege to the Kingdom of Gothmog and Simone Biles’s half-elf druid princess Celestaphim saved our asses at the last minute with her pegasus!  
 **WWX:** … I understood most of those words but not in that order. 

* * *

**xiaohuaisang**

#caiyiolys# #closingceremony# #compcult# #wangxian# It got cold in the stadium during the closing ceremony so we’re all huddling for warmth 😂 🐧🐧

[VIDEO: Wei Wuxian, Nie Huaisang, Jiang Cheng, and Wen Ning are huddling together amid the other athletes in the stadium. Wei Wuxian then laughs as Lan Wangji bumps into him from behind, resting his chin on Wei Wuxian’s shoulder as he joins the huddle — but only with Wei Wuxian.]

Like 7.1k  |  Comment 438  |  Repost 580 

**running-from-planes**  
THE MOST PRECIOUS PENGUINS

 **nicaforov**  
WANGXIAN ARE [ THE PENGUINS FROM POLAR LAND ](https://theweek.com/articles/479558/adorable-gay-penguins-who-adopted-baby-chick) CONFIRMED

 **seagoddessmelusine**  
ahhh look at how happy wwx is!!! they’re so cute together aaaaahhhh!!! 😍😍💖

 **cathaindonnelaith**  
you guys are so cute!! everyone did so well at the olympics im so proud of all of you 💕💓🐧

* * *

 **Cultivator’s Robes** • _Rainbow-woven silk_  
A traditional set of robes worn by cultivators of the Lan Sect. They were worn until the 18th century, when a more simplified version of the robe became standard. After the wars of the 20th century, Lan Sect cultivators stopped wearing distinct outfits from non-cultivators for their own safety. 

**Inquiry Table** • _Mahogany with mother-of-pearl_  
This table was designed to be a teaching tool for a young Lan Sect cultivator, as its inlaid designs represent the most basic notes of the Qin language. The Qin language is the means with which Lan Sect cultivators can communicate with spirits. 

**_Songs of Clarity_ , Original Manuscript • _Paper_  
** Many of the cultivation methods of the Lan Sect are still in use in their cultivation schools today. The _Songs of Clarity_ were first written down in the 7th Century, but were taught amongst the disciples of the sect even before then. Nowadays, recordings of the _Songs of Clarity_ are popular amongst mindfulness gurus and in meditation classes all over the world.

* * *

_Deleted moment from the Caiyi Sightseeing Daytrip:_

“This is Victory Bridge, built after Gusu and the Sunshot Alliance fought off the Japanese at the end of the war,” the guide says, as they pass beneath a small footbridge sporting two figures at opposite ends. “At one end, Houyi the Archer aims his arrow into the sky, pointing to the sun at precisely noon. At the other, his wife Chang’e waits with a rabbit in her arms.”

“The faces of Houyi and Chang’e were modelled after two prominent leaders of the resistance,” adds Lan Wangji. Wei Wuxian chuckles, though the rapidly darkening sky keeps him from taking a decent photo of the bridge itself.

* * *

 **DORAMARAMA!** Reviews and Recaps of Asian Dramas

Wisteria Blossoms: Ep 248 Recap  
by Anna Zhou 

It’s been 27 seasons and somehow the drama in _Wisteria Blossoms_ never gets old. We’ve followed the Fujikawa family for three generations now, and maybe I’m just a spoiled millennial but the current gen with Yume Fujikawa (Sachiko Ikeda) is probably one of the best-written ones. The struggles she faces with entering the workforce and her budding relationship with Takeshi Sato (Ryuu Kuroda) are super relatable, making her all the more endearing amid all the family drama with the older members of the Fujikawa family in the background. (I’m still not over how they wrote off Mina Fujikawa at the end of the last season!! I know the reasons were something about studio politics but I’m gonna miss seeing Saya-chan on my screen...)

Episode 248 is “Peony” (I can’t believe they’re still going strong with flower names for these eps…) and it covers Yume’s fears about Takeshi’s feelings for her. A lot of people might find her worrying on that aspect to be a bit stupid, since it’s practically a given that Takeshi basically thinks she hung the moon, but it’s easy to forget what we know as an audience isn’t necessarily what Yume knows herself. I’m glad the writers decided to let her take this episode to really properly wrap her head around just how devoted to her Takeshi really is! And of course in true _Wisteria Blossoms_ style, they execute it so subtly that you might miss it if you aren’t paying attention… 

My favourite bit has to be, of course, Yume’s conversation with the actor in the garden. Fans of Competitive Cultivation might recognise the actor of the actor as Wangji Lan, a very accomplished competitive cultivator from Gusu. Yume brings up at one point her fears that Takeshi might tire of her someday when she’s old and grey, and Wangji straight up tells her that… oh gosh, lemme just transcribe the scene:

YUME  
Do you know what it’s like to doubt someone’s love?

WANGJI  
Endlessly. 

YUME  
You think, oh, maybe this little thing he does means something, but it could mean something else, too, and pretty soon everything is cast in doubt. Everything is shadowed.

WANGJI  
And yet you suffer in silence and hope.

YUME  
But can the hope ever pay off?

WANGJI  
What do you have left to fear from him?

YUME  
That when I am broken and grey, he will leave me.

WANGJI  
If he truly loves you, not even death will make him leave your side.

Listen. I don’t know who convinced the studio writers to give Mr Lan such swoonworthy lines, but I want to shake their hand. Everything about his performance was perfect. His Japanese enunciation is so good (unsurprising, I heard everything he does he does to perfection) and just… the earnest way in which he delivered it? I’ve seen his press conferences and he very much runs the risk of being a daikon radish in terms of… like, complete woodenness. But it’s clear the creative team at Wisteria Blossoms made this role just for him because of the beauty of his lines, and the care the film crew and post-production team took to make sure he looked beautiful and distant and yet somehow melancholy all at once… truly powerful stuff.

This episode was a treat! You really need to catch it!

_______________________

**~🌸yanli**

📺

yeah, we watched it last night! you were amazing in it! 

🙏

🐰?

he loved it too!  
kept on waxing poetic about how you’d be a really cool ancient warrior-scholar  
said your lines were like poetry  
jc wants to throttle him

_~🌸yanli has sent a video._

??

😊

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The huddling for warmth snippet was inspired by a tweet from some skaters at the world championships?? I think?? last year, who were huddling for warmth because the arena was so cold. There was a really cute video!
> 
> Also 95% sure pancakesprince drew it. If it ever got posted, I don't know, but if I stumble across it on Twitter again (cursed platform doesn't have a robust archiving system) I'll put it in here.


	11. welcome home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wei Wuxian settles in and finds a surprise.
> 
> Takes place after chapter 18.

“Well,” says Wei Wuxian as he looks up at the gate to the Cloud Recesses. “Here we are again.”

Lan Wangji merely extends a hand, having already scanned them into the community. The gate will not remain open forever, though clearly his boyfriend could gape up at the towers of this residential community forever. He clears his throat quietly, startling Wei Wuxian into taking his hand and stepping into the community with him. 

They wander through the quiet paths together, hand-in-hand as always. Lan Wangji’s guqin case strains against his shoulders, but he doesn’t care. Wei Wuxian’s suitcase rattles against the pavement, playing counterpoint to the crying cicadas savouring the last of the summer heat. All around them, other residents wander beneath the trees, paying them no mind. In the distance, the hum of tourist voices from the gardens echoes between the buildings. 

The ride up to the penthouse makes Lan Wangji’s stomach flutter and sink in equal measures. The last time they had done this, Wei Wuxian had not been his. Not that he ever could be — if there’s one thing Lan Wangji has realised through their time together, it’s that Wei Wuxian is constantly, restlessly running towards freedom. Who is Lan Wangji to presume he could tie him down?

The fact that Wei Wuxian has willingly let Lan Wangji tie his wrist with his ribbon is victory enough.

Lan Wangji silently shuffles into the penthouse, takes off his shoes. Next to him Wei Wuxian sets down his suitcase with a satisfied laugh, stretching just long enough for his shirt to flutter up over his hips. Lan Wangji is not proud to admit his gaze was captured by that, by the flutter of black-and-scarlet cotton over the light tan of Wei Wuxian’s skin. 

“Home sweet home, right?” Wei Wuxian wonders, grinning at him with a smile of molten sunshine. He bats his lashes, pulling up his suitcase handle again. “Where will I be sleeping, Lan er-gege?”

Lan Wangji swallows. “With me,” he says. Wei Wuxian darts across the marble tile floor towards his room before Lan Wangji can even stop him. “Wei Ying!”

“I call the side towards the window!” shouts Wei Wuxian, already yanking open his door and barging in. Lan Wangji can only follow, his protests giving way to sheer panic when he notices that his boyfriend has gone oddly quiet in the middle of the room. He follows Wei Wuxian’s line of sight, just to see an enormous poster bearing Wei Wuxian in his competitive gear, his dizi poised at his lips as he stares intently into the camera. 

Lan Wangji had packed away his posters when Wei Wuxian had last visited him, not wanting the other boy to get the wrong idea about him. He’d forgotten to do the same this time, mostly because he hadn’t had the time.

Wei Wuxian’s eyes widen. His shoulders shake. Lan Wangji swallows, feeling the heat building in his ears as his boyfriend doubles over with laughter. 

“Oh heavens! Lan Zhan, how did you — these are from last year! How did — why didn’t you — oh my gods! You have posters of me!”

Lan Wangji folds his hands behind his back. “I took them down when you visited,” he says.

“Why?” wonders Wei Wuxian, wiping at his eyes with mirth. “Want me to sign them for you?” 

“No,” says Lan Wangji, already moving to take them down. Wei Wuxian intercepts him, sliding in just before he can reach the largest poster. Lan Wangji pushes against him, but Wei Wuxian responds by curling his fingers into the short hairs at Lan Wangji’s nape. 

In spite of himself, Lan Wangji feels a shiver jolt down his spine at their proximity. 

His boyfriend chuckles, trailing a finger down Lan Wangji’s chest. “I’m flattered, Lan Zhan, really,” he says, smiling up at Lan Wangji through his lashes. “Really, if I’d known earlier, it’d have helped past me get a clue.”

Lan Wangji’s flush seeps into his cheeks. “I am beginning to realise that, yes,” he mutters sullenly. Wei Wuxian laughs, cupping his cheek.

“You sure you don’t want me to sign them?” he teases.

“No,” repeats Lan Wangji, turning to press a kiss to his wrist. “I have you now. Much better.”

Wei Wuxian’s smile at that lights up Lan Wangji’s own heart, as he leans in to kiss him. And as Lan Wangji tastes the sweetness of his lips, he can’t help but smile, too. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is 300% inspired by every YOI fic involving Viktor finding Yuuri's stash of Viktor Nikiforov merch ;)
> 
> Also originally written as a birthday ficlet for someone on my Discord. Thank you for your support!


	12. the nie mingjue thirst archive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of things people have said about Nie Mingjue.

**gamemaster nie stan account** @vitaminie  
anyway here’s a nmj fancam  
[VIDEO: A montage of Nie Mingjue’s signature CompCult moves, set to ZZ Top’s [ “(Let Me Be Your) Teddy Bear”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RNECvvz3S7Y)]

 **luna @ going to jail for horny crimes** @clairdelalune  
I would let Gamemaster Nie tear new holes into me if he wanted

 **max wants the d(a-ge)** @manhattanvamp  
idgaf about the lans. like lan xichen is pretty if you’re into that i guess but nie mingjue is an entire muscular wall of cultivation goodness

 **an irascible coxswain** @strawberrythyme  
do you ever wonder if gamemaster nie has a partner. just imagine there being someone out there in the world who is allowed to motorboat those tiddies

 **max wants the d(a-ge)** @manhattanvamp  
@strawberrythyme me, but in my dreams and my self-insert fanfics

* * *

**grotesque-werewolf**

**A Non-Exhaustive List of John Oliver’s NMJ Thirst Jokes**

“I don’t think Jin Guangshan understands that for most humans there must be consequences for bad behaviour. And when I say most, I mean ‘everyone except Gamemaster Nie Mingjue’, who quite frankly can do whatever the fuck he wants. Pulverise my body, you massive magical grizzly. Shatter my kneecaps, you dreamy mountain.”

“Being imprisoned for wandering into a Qinghe ancestral hall would be a deterrent to tourists, unless, of course, the prison guard was Nie Mingjue. Search all of my cavities, you formidable avalanche. Investigate my alibis, you brooding eagle.”

“Exorcisms can be gruesome to witness, unless the exorcist is, of course, Nie Mingjue. Drag me back to the light, you reverential Totoro. Purge my soul of sin, you holy abomination.”

“The Albanian government is being accused of using necromancy to supplement its workforce during the European dragonpox outbreak, which as we know has traditionally been forbidden under the Geneva Conventions as well as the United Nations Universal Declaration of Human Rights. And of course it should be; the dead usually don’t consent to being resurrected. I certainly wouldn’t, unless the necromancer in question was Nie Mingjue. Cultivate my resentful energy, you vast, fuckable oak. Reanimate my limbs, you grotesque werewolf.”

#john oliver #last week tonight #nie mingjue #nmj #compcult #tw: necromancy #tw: exorcism 

* * *

**Nie Mingjue Reads Thirst Tweets**  
6,293,482 views

BuzzFeed Celeb

_______________________

2,594 Comments

 **n-x-northwest**  
“My brother has banned the name ‘John Oliver’ in the house. Too much secondhand embarrassment” 🤣🤣🤣

 **idrilka_**  
some people when they think of nmj: BREAK MY LEGS DA-GE 

me when i think of him: how dare the inu deflate him for ‘aggressive’ cultivation

 **jacytheblue**  
i feel like too many people bought into the himbo on steroids image he presented while he was competing and now they’re shocked that he’s actually very articulate

 **emaisee**  
we stan a man who reads his ancient chinese philosophers 

**Molly O’Donnell**  
no one else weirded out that a lot of people’s thirst about him reinforce negative stereotypes of dao cultivators being overly aggressive? and that includes john oliver’s bs

**lightbrigademarie**  
are you really asking people to be horny responsibly

* * *

**xiaohuaisang**

I HAVE NOT BANNED THE NAME JOHN OLIVER MY BROTHER IS SLANDERING ME 

Like 4.3k | Comment 283 | Repost 54

 **weibowifi** **  
**you literally said yesterday that it was “really weird to have an award-winning comedian thirsting after [your] own brother on american tv”

 **xiaohuaisang** **  
**SHUT UP IT’S NOT THE SAME THING

 **weibowifi** **  
**🤔

 **xiaohuaisang** **  
**get off his account lwj

* * *

_Excerpted from an interview between late show host Glenfiddle Keanes and broomstick jouster Erwin Heavey:_

**GK:** Which athlete from a different sport would you want to joust against?  
 **EH:** Oh, that’s a no-brainer. CompCulter Nie Mingjue. Dude’s built like a brick wall and I wanna poke it.  
 **GK:** _[in between laughs]_ You sure it’s _it?_ You don’t want to poke _him?_  
 **EH:** _[also laughing]_ I said what I said! 

* * *

**fuckyeahquidquod**

fun game: create a quidditch team using only athletes from non-quidditch sports

_______________________

**grotesque-werewolf**

idk about the other positions but nmj from compcult HAS to be involved. keeper, maybe?

[VIDEO: A montage of Nie Mingjue’s signature CompCult moves, set to ZZ Top’s [ “(Let Me Be Your) Teddy Bear”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RNECvvz3S7Y)]

_______________________

**fuckyeahquidquod**

oh he’s a keeper alright

#as in can i keep him #nie mingjue #quidditch #compcult


	13. necromancer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The _Necromancer_ series has a shocking last-minute plot twist.

**Wayward Sons, Come Home: Here’s What You Missed To Prepare You for** **_Necromancer_** **’s Incoming Series Finale**

Caroline Bennett  
BuzzFeed Staff

Ever since the Beretta boys first drove onto our screens (and into our hearts) in the early 2000s, cult favourite supernatural hunter show _Necromancer_ has enjoyed a tenure of fourteen seasons, a spin-off animated web series, two comics, and an annual haunted house attraction at Maplecroft Farm in Grantville, Kansas, the real-life location of Shadowvale. All of that is now coming to an end in its fourteenth and final season, where David Beretta, his half-brother Sean, and their guardian angel Damiel must face off against their own destinies. 

Showrunner Arthur Bryant Jones has been famously tight-lipped about the outcomes of this final season, especially regarding the fates of the Beretta brothers and Damiel. But now with the antepenultimate episode about to air, here’s a rundown of what’s happened so far and what that might imply for the last three episodes. Spoilers ahoy!

**Sarah Goulding Is God, Apparently?**

It was teased as early as season 4, when we were first introduced to her. She’s the ugly duckling of the Goulding cousins, as far as the family patriarch Hiram is concerned: nervous and unassuming, eager to please and almost _comically_ put-upon. All of that falls away at the end of season 13 when she murders Hiram in cold blood by literally smiting him. Throughout the series whenever she shows up, all of her predictions seem to come true, and she even appears to keep a diary of the Berettas’ misadventures that record things down to the precise dialogue. This sort of omniscience strongly suggests that she, like Jack Goulding, is more than human. 

We’ve left off at a moment of apparent defeat for Sarah Goulding, as minions of Heaven and Hell are banding together to take her on for her excessive meddling in their affairs. But if her omniscience and wrath seem to be of any indication, she might be a more formidable foe than anyone ever bargained for.

**What Happened to the Del Sol Family?**

Unfortunately episode 10 of season 14 has confirmed our worst fears — the Del Sols’ attempt to escape the attack on Shadowvale had, in fact, not been successful. Still, their spirits rising back from the grave to fight one last battle was both badass and bittersweet. And it did give Dave some much-needed closure, especially with regards to Maria. 

That being said, Sean’s young ward Toby was also revealed to be Baby Del Sol. So it’s good to see that at least one Del Sol managed to escape fully alive from Shadowvale (since Nico is still very much undead). Going forward, we’re fully expecting Toby and Jack to become best friends (if they aren’t already). And if Sean and Dave both survive the series finale, maybe we’ll get to see them argue over co-parenting duties until one of them marries and settles down.

And speaking of marriage:

**Daviel: Slowburn or Queerbait?**

It’s no secret that one of the most popular ships in NCM fandom is between Dave and Damiel, also known as DD or Daviel. Starting almost as soon as the two met in Season 2 when Damiel took Dave’s Book of the Dead away from him, the ship and its shippers have helped carry the show through its highs and lows, including a near-cancellation scare during season 7. Damiel’s slowly melting ice queen character arc, combined with Dave’s reckless chaos, plus their actors’ onscreen chemistry and offscreen friendship, fully cemented Daviel as one of the most beloved pairings on TV according to Fandometrics polls from the last 5 years.

As of this moment in season 14, Daviel continues to sail with increasing amounts of fanservice. Ever since Dave’s return from Hell in season 11, Damiel has been acting noticeably nicer to him than before. One might even hesitate to say flirtatiously, considering how in previous seasons he’d completely eschewed Dave’s wilder ideas. Now, he readily indulges Dave with almost uncharacteristic warmth. Perhaps it’s because of the Faustian pact he struck with the Fates at the start of season 11, but either way, fans seem certain all of this means one of them will be confessing their feelings in some way, shape, or form by the end of the series.

That being said, the show has been rocked by scandal and speculation regarding a potential Daviel endgame. The actor for Dave, Johnson Hackles, tried to leave the show around season 11 due to “creative differences”, and only returned a season later under the condition that the series finale was changed to be “more true” to his character. Fans suspect that this will affect whether or not Daviel will be made explicitly canon. 

Come what may, the impending end of _Necromancer_ truly marks the end of an era not only on American television but also in English-speaking fandom in general. So for those of us wayward sons who have wandered off to other shows in the meantime, it’s possibly time to come back for one last hunt.

————

**Related Articles:**

  * **How does Necromancer fandom have a GIF for everything?**
  * **Remembering Pashapocalypse: How One Picture of Pavel Hollins Broke the Internet in 2013**
  * **CompCult for Dummies: A Quick Guide to the Caiyi Olympics’ Hottest Event**



* * *

**hearse @ what the hap is fuckening** @irate_hearse  
What do you mean NCM is still going on I thought that show ended in 2015

> **🌸 Caroline Bennett 🌸** @carobennett  
> Wayward Sons, Come Home: Here’s What You Missed To Prepare You for Necromancer’s Incoming Series Finale https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/carolinebennett/necromancer-season-14-guide

**Ascended from the Abyss** @liz_wangji  
@irate_hearse You’re probably thinking of BBC’s Challenger; that got cancelled in 2015 after a shitty final season!

 **hearse @ what the hap is fuckening** @irate_hearse  
@liz_wangji Oh yeah I remember Tumblr losing their collective shit about how bad it was

 **TEN GRAMMY NOMINEES || roze 💫** @RozesandOrchids  
#necromancer is just #compcult for white people send tweet

 **G 🌸** @babiewangji  
Not just that — it’s actually a whitewashed reboot of a 90s cultivation film called Unchained

> **TEN GRAMMY NOMINEES || roze 💫** @RozesandOrchids  
> #necromancer is just #compcult for white people send tweet

**(luc)ifer** @mayday  
@babiewangji no? unchained is inspired by cultivation and necromancer by abrahamic mythos and monsters. people from different cultures can make similar stories that’s how so many different cultures have cinderella stories

 **crying, but to a soundtrack** @islandoforder  
lmao people r really saying a bad tv show about emotionally constipated whiteboy cultivator-wannabes is tapping into archetypes rather than just good ol cultural appropriation

 **no nut, all dairy** @chirpydragon  
“ncm is cultural appropriation” oh my sar it’s happening again can compcult stans shut up supernatural hunters exist across multiple cultures SHUT UP

 **boz @ tired** @heartofglow  
Am I really seeing #Unchainedgate on my TL in this year of our lady again??? I thought we already wanked through this one  


 **もやし** @moyashimu  
  
[PHOTO: “I may not show it” meme, edited to say “I may not show it, but Necromancer queerbaiting their fans really do be giving me brain damage”]

 **(lwj voice) wei ying** @sassquil  
why are we even talking about #necromancer when #wangxian is already the irl, actual supernatural hunter #daviel everyone deserves

* * *

**damiel-loves-david**

** A Running List of Proof that Daviel Is Endgame **

  * The way Dave just gapes at Damiel when he first enters? Like the dude’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen? Come on there’s no heterosexual explanation for it it was love at first fight
  * “Don’t touch my stuff” ➡️ “Here, borrow mine” ➡️ “Don’t touch what’s mine” but to SARAH THREATENING TO TAKE DAMIEL AWAY FROM HIM IN 14x10
  * “You stole my book.” + “I could have taken more than that.” + THAT look = he 100% was threatening to steal Dave’s heart and he did
  * Damiel spent the entire s4 looking for him and gave him the means to get out of The Abyss
  * JESSICA SHIPS THEM? She asked Damiel if he was Dave’s boyfriend when he came asking about him in 4x12???
  * Damiel just being concerned about Dave’s reliance on necromancy in general
    * “Dave, your well-being is important to me.”
    * Damiel tucked him in???!!!
  * MISTLETOEGATE
    * okay for the uninitiated: in 5x09 Dave and Damiel get into an argument in the woods and walk into a mistletoe thicket. they notice this and then the camera cuts away. 
  * Dave keeps picking romantic songs when he’s driving with Damiel, NCM crew we see you
    * 8x08 “I DON’T WANT TO MISS A THING” BY AEROSMITH WHILE DAMIEL SLEEPS NEXT TO HIM IN THE CAR?!?!? THAT’S GAY YOUR HONOUR
  * Damiel being a dick to Nico was textually framed as jealousy?
    * Okay anyone who talks shit about my boy Nico can catch these hands. This isn’t 2011 where we let the racists harass MLo off the show because ~how dare Nico get in between Daviel~
    * Nico is a Cinnamon Roll Who Did Nothing Wrong
    * Dave has two hands
  * Dave looked so HORRIFIED in 7x20 when he hurt Damiel with his necromancer powers
  * AND THEN THEY MADE UP 
  * ALL OF SEASON 8 IN GENERAL
  * BUT ESPECIALLY “Dave, I need you” IN 8x01
  * The CONSTANT parallels between Damiel and Jonathan? 
    * You know, the boyfriend of KING DAVID from THE BIBLE?
    * Damiel in 9x03: “I found my grace in you.” How is that not the most shatteringly romantic thing you’ve ever heard
  * “But it’s your mortal soul.” “And it’s already been through hell before. Don’t worry about it.” “I cannot help but worry.”
  * Damiel whispered to something before Dave died and went to Hell and I have every reason to believe based on the way his lips moved that it was “I love you” ABJ RELEASE THE 10x20 SCRIPT CHALLENGE
  * Damiel literally makes a deal to take Dave’s place in Hell after he experiences true happiness
  * Fates: “Love has made you foolhardy, Damiel”  
Damiel: “It has made me brave” UM EXCUSE ME HOW IS THIS NOT AN ADMISSION
  * Damiel literally lets Dave do whatever he wants in s11-13 and just keeps paying for his stuff like a sugar daddy
  * THEY POSED AS A COUPLE IN 11x10
  * Damiel wears Dave’s jacket in 12x04 and it was Cute as Heck
  * Dave keeps getting Damiel drunk to ask him about any girlfriends he has and Damiel keeps saying he doesn’t have any while staring straight at him I can’t
  * The ALMOST KISS in 14x02 



I left out the jokes and 80% of the longing stare moments, so these are all the Interactions only. Can’t fucking wait for 14x18 tonight everyone in the show is finally learning that Sarah is SHADY AS FUCK 

#ncm #necromancer #daviel #i also left out the meta stuff #like how abj liked some daviel fanart on twitter #and has frequently implied he’s a shipper #and he fought syfy network censors to give us lazapete on tbg

* * *

**DORAMARAMA!** Reviews and Recaps of Asian Dramas

 _Necromancer_ vs. _Unchained_ : A Comparison  
by Cecilia Lam

American supernatural hunter show _Necromancer_ is ending its 14-season tenure on television at the end of this month. It’s not our usual fare for this blog, but in light of it being plagued by accusations of plagiarism, whitewashing, and appropriation of East Asian cultivation culture with regards to how the Beretta brothers (Johnson Hackles and Aaron Paweleki) dispatch their supernatural foes, we thought we’d take a look at it.

 _Necromancer_ follows David Beretta (Hackles) and his younger half-brother Sean (Paweleki) as they drive around the United States and fight monsters. After their family farm is destroyed and their parents killed, the brothers turn towards revenge. David in particular ends up becoming the titular necromancer, and his battle to control those powers as well as earn redemption from the destruction he causes fuels the latter half of the show. 

Detractors of the show have likened it to the 1992 Zhang Yimou wuxia film _Unchained_ , where protagonist Di Moying (Lucas Wu) is a demonic cultivator seeking his own redemption by solving the unexpected murder of the Emperor (Ken Fujimaru). However, there’s no record of show creator Edward Crichton or subsequent showrunners Marina Lopez and Arthur Bryant Jones having seen or been inspired by _Unchained_ , so whether or not it’s a direct rip-off or reboot is debatable. But in the spirit of understanding these two stories, here’s a list of their similarities and differences.

**Similarities:**

  * Hunters and cultivators both dispatch the discontented spirits of the undead, and many have been trained to do so from a young age, with the help of families or sects. 
  * David Beretta and Di Moying both pursue forbidden arts and have to seek redemption for upsetting the natural order of life and death.
  * Demonic cultivation is officially classed as a subset of necromancy in the Geneva Convention, since their end result (non-consensual reanimation of the dead) are the same.
    * Demonic cultivation, however, involves the manipulation of resentful energy found in corpses that died violently/with unfinished business. Necromancy is the more general practice of resurrection regardless of cause of death. 
  * David Beretta and Di Moying both try to solve the death of a high-class person to achieve said redemption.
  * Both General Fischer (DeShawn Washington) and the Emperor were killed by close friends and advisors. 



**Differences:**

  * Di Moying is implied to have begun demonic cultivation after acquiring a stygian artefact in his studies, suggesting that his catalyst to break the taboo was academic curiosity. David Beretta was forced to use necromancy to escape the Abyss, where he had been trapped by some demons in season 4.
  * David Beretta wants forgiveness from the people he hurt with his necromancer powers. Di Moying is looking for an imperial pardon so he can return home to his mother. 
  * _Necromancer_ is a critique of mob mentality and blind assumptions, as well as some political commentary with the Del Sol/Shadowvale arc. Di Moying’s story is loosely adapted from the exploits of Judge Di Renjie from the Tang Dynasty.
  * Cultivation has a religious-spiritual aspect to it that does not exist in the hunts in _Necromancer_. While that aspect is nowadays obscured by sports like Competitive Cultivation, it still is a part of the tradition. The Beretta brothers do act like cultivators when they rid a town of some supernatural monster plaguing it, but supernatural hunters exist in more than one culture. 
    * The inclusion of demons and angels may add a religious aspect to _Necromancer_ , but that’s still a separate belief system from the Buddhist-Taoist pantheon that features in cultivation. Plus the show does not particularly paint God in a favourable light, so it’s hardly a religious show.
  * There is no equivalent to guardian angel Damiel (Pavel Hollins) in _Unchained._ There’s not even much of a love interest option for Di Moying. The closest equivalent is the palace courtesan (Clara Yang) who helps him with the case and spies on the advisors, but nothing really happens between them. 



In conclusion, there are enough differences between _Necromancer_ and _Unchained_ to say they are different shows that draw on similar themes: the consequences of resurrecting the dead, the difficulties of redemption, the burden of duty. There is also something to be said about how _Necromancer_ ’s popularity allowed for Competitive Cultivation to gain a fandom in the West, and how that might have engendered some resentment in East Asian diaspora communities. Still, we think it’s best to let the shows speak for themselves. We’ll be tuning in to the _Necromancer_ series finale, for sure! 

* * *

**江SQUAD**

~ **🌸yanli**  
zixuan’s father was papped entering lanling city general hospital today. just a heads up.

 **3dumaster**  
what for? dragonpox?

 **~🏵zixuan**  
He was getting tested

hope for nothing but positivity for him!

~ **🌸yanli**  
well, it’s just a routine check. nothing to worry about. 

not worried at all. he’d only have the best medicine money could buy.

 **~🏵zixuan**  
For what it’s worth he’s not allowed on Weibo for the foreseeable future. Yanli and I changed his password on all of his accounts

 **3dumaster** **  
**it’s ridiculous how a failed presidential candidate can destroy trust in public health this badly

his little internet trolls have been working overtime

 **Lan Zhan**  
@~ **🌸** yanli 🆕🧟‍♂️🔫📺?

oh yeah zhanzhan’s been getting into that american cultivator show on tencent

 **Lan Zhan** **  
**🌱🙅🏻‍♂️  
🇺🇸 🧟‍♂️🔫🤷🏻‍♂️

~ **🌸yanli** **  
**yeah whatever they’re doing it’s not cultivation haha  
and i haven’t gotten to the new episode yet!! 

**Lan Zhan**  
👦💚💙👼‼ 🏳️‍🌈 🙌

~ **🌸yanli** **  
**no way!! really?

 **Lan Zhan**  
🥰😲😭

* * *

 **Mana** @hawkeyeprime  
HE CONFESSED #daviel #necromancer #ncmfamilyforever  
[VIDEO: Scene from 14x18 of _Necromancer_ , showing the stained glass-lit sanctuary of an abandoned chapel. A teary-eyed and wounded David Beretta is lying on the floor. He is apparently unable to move, but is still pleading with Damiel who is holding an unconscious Sarah Goulding.

> **DAMIEL:** This is the only way, Dave.  
>  **DAVE:** No, there’s got to be some other way. I can’t lose you again.  
>  **DAMIEL:** That’s the thing I’ve always admired about you. Even at the mercy of your necromancer powers you were still so capable of loving. And you’ve taught me so much. You’ve expanded the boundaries of my own heart.  
>  **DAVE:** Why are you talking like this?  
>  **DAMIEL:** You and I both know this is the only way we can stop Sarah from ending the world. The moment I say these words, it’ll all be over.  
>  **DAVE:** No — please, Damiel, don’t —  
>  **DAMIEL:** I love you, Dave. 

A chasm cracks open underneath Damiel and Sarah, and they fall through it to Hell below. Dave screams and scrambles towards the chasm, but it vanishes before he can get there.

> **DAVE:** NOOOOOOO!]

**ẞæ ✨IT’S CANON BABY** @gremlinsae  
#DAVIEL IS FINALLY CANON Y’ALL #necromancer #ncmfamilyforever  


 **kellie 🍀** @goldencheng  
also jin guangshan was spotted at the hospital maybe he has dragonpox

> **ẞæ ✨IT’S CANON BABY** @gremlinsae  
> #DAVIEL IS FINALLY CANON Y’ALL #necromancer #ncmfamilyforever  
> 

**🌟** @jiangstan  
please i haven’t asked for much this hell year please let this be true

> **kellie 🍀** @goldencheng  
> also jin guangshan was spotted at the hospital maybe he has dragonpox

**marie 💚💙 i love you dave** @lightbrigademarie  
i’m at daviel’s wedding  
i’m at jin guangshan’s sickbed  
i’m at the combination daviel’s wedding and jin guangshan’s sickbed

🛩😱 @n-x-northwest  
i’m very upset #daviel #necromancer #jinguangshan  
  
[PHOTO: Screenshot of Gayle edited to say “okay was anybody going to tell me that jin guangshan got dragonpox or was i supposed to learn about it from DAVIEL MEMES myself?”]

 **WANGXIAN RIGHTS ACTIVIST** @shizun_slut  
gay rights gave jgs dragonpox? love that for her #daviel #necromancer

 **TEN &STARS 💫 world domination 💫** @geuggysongs  
  
[PHOTO: Screenshot of Hannibal Buress, edited to say “I was so caught up in the euphoria of daviel being canon that for like a minute I lived in a world where damiel going to hell after didn’t exist”]

 **yuen 🌒** @nightworn  
me, watching #daviel stans lose their shit over their gays confessing and then promptly getting buried: anyway stan #wangxian  
[VIDEO: Montage of clips of Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian in competition and as coaches, set to the song “Hoes Mad” by Famous Dex]

 **xuan | wangxian lovebot** @hanyuzuwus  
if damiel had just stanned wangxian he’d still be alive

 **jac // 兰陵加油** @jinzixuans  
@ #daviel stans: all this for a crumb of representation?

 **fusonucleatum** @fusonucleatum  
can compcultists shut up we waited 14 years for this #ncmfamilyforever #necromancer #daviel

* * *

**stardustandsoulmates**

  
[PHOTO: Screenshot of 2 Spidermen pointing at each other, one labelled “daviel confession” and the other “jin guangshan gets dragonpox”]

#ncm #necromancer #daviel #dd #jin guangshan #chants HELL YEAR HELL YEAR HELL YEAR

* * *

_Anonymous asked:_  
CONGRATIONS

 **is-daviel-canon-yet**  
finally i can sleep

#asks #anonymous #daviel #dd #ncm #necromancer

* * *

**yanli_jiang**

JUST FOR CLARIFICATION: My father-in-law @realDonaldJin is not in the hospital with dragonpox. Little Apple Daily grossly misrepresented the gravity of this visit. It was only a cursory check-up before his flight to Singapore this weekend. 

Like 1.2k | Comment 439 | Repost 130

 **weibowifi**  
but i thought some american cultivator and his gay angel gave him the dragonpox? has the internet been telling lies again?

 **3dumaster** **  
**you’re probably responsible for this joint rumour, shut up

 **yanli_jiang**  
how old are you again? 🤔

 **weibowifi**  
i’m 3 thanks for asking! 🥺  


 **dd_fan**  
wwx have you seen this necromancer au fic of you and lwj as daviel?  
<https://bit.ly/NCMAU>

 **weibowifi**  
bold of you to assume i didn’t write it

 **lanlingpatriot**  
Why has @realDonaldJin not posted since last night?

 **yanli_jiang**  
He’s focusing on his health and family!

 **lanlingpatriot**  
Tell him we wish him a speedy recovery! 

* * *

**Rose Summerfield ▶️** **CompCult Memes for Magical Teens**  
 **Visual storyteller** • Shared with group

Anyone else watch the internet meltdown today?

[PHOTO: A magazine photoshoot of Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian, where Lan Wangji’s hand is on Wei Wuxian’s waist and Wei Wuxian is holding a sign saying ‘JUST MARRIED’. Damiel and David Beretta’s faces have been photoshopped onto Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian, respectively.]

_______________________

👍❤️🥰 743 183 comments

_______________________

 **Dominique Kim** **  
**I didn’t even know a Necromancer fandom existed until today. Popping popcorn now!

 **Molly O’Donnell**  
I’m tired of people assuming every time a man says I love you to another man it has to be sexual. Why can’t guys just be friends?

 **Chandler Bingley**  
nah daviel’s always been gay 

**Molly O’Donnell**  
Chandler Bingley Do you even have proof?

 **Chandler Bingley**  
Molly O’Donnell idk your honour they just are. they’ve been gay since season 8 at the latest when Known Daviel Shipper ABJ took over

 **Raya Fernandez**  
Molly O’Donnell He said he loved Dave to open Hell. He made the deal with the Fates to take Dave’s place in Hell the moment he experiences true happiness. You do the math.

 **Christianne Shieh**  
Molly O’Donnell imagine making this kind of comment on a photo of known married gay couple wangxian

 **Scott Beckmann**  
I regret to inform you the straights are at it again

 **C. Smother**  
I came here to drag OP, but it looks like you folks have got it covered

 **Bobbie Eberhardt** **  
**

**武山美恵子**  
Good for them!! 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember that throwaway joke I made in the author's notes about how SPN in compcult-verse would inspire wank accusing the Winchesters of being whitewashed cultivators? Here's the fandom drama for your viewing enjoyment.
> 
> Beretta: Because guns lol  
> David?? Sean?? DAMIEL??: Idk about David and Sean but Damiel is the name of the main character in Wings of Desire (the og German film that inspired City of Angels) who falls for a human trapeze artist. His pal in that movie is named Cassiel.  
> "I found my grace in you": King David in the Bible once said to his Bro Jonathan "I have found grace in thine eyes", which is a pretty fucking romantic thing to say to your Bro, bro  
> The entire plot of NCM: I mean, if you don't notice what this is pulled from, you live under a rock. But in case you do, the only link that works in this chapter will tell you more.  
> WWX's little image attachment: These are Chinese meme reaction images called 表情包 (biǎoqíngbāo) which literally is "emotion bag". The one he uses says "Because I'm a baby, you have to let me get away with it."


	14. the nie mingjue thirst archive part 2: nie mingjue strikes back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nie Mingjue responds to John Oliver's thirst jokes.

**CompCult News** @compcultnews  
Nie Mingjue, INU deputy head gamemaster, makes a surprise cameo on American comedy news show ‘Last Week Tonight’. https://bit.ly/lwtjnmjc

 **max wants the d(a-ge)** @manhattanvamp  
HOLY SHIT DID YOU GUYS SEE NIE MINGJUE ON @LastWeekTonight  
[VIDEO: Nie Mingjue calls into an episode of Last Week Tonight and chews out its host, John Oliver.]

 **el // im done** @pancakesprince  
i can’t believe nie mingjue actually called john oliver an ‘under-steamed mantou’ 🤣🤣

 **Last Week Tonight** @LastWeekTonight  
A huge thank you to Nie Mingjue for this week’s episode. We’re honoured (and slightly intimidated) that you agreed to do this segment at all, considering the amount of filth we’ve lobbed at you all season. We promise this bit is over… unless you order us otherwise. 😉  
[PHOTOS: A screenshot of a split screen showing John Oliver and Nie Mingjue.]

🧪🐿 @pipettingsquirrel  
@manhattanvamp nmj bossing john oliver around is everything i’ve ever wanted

 **zewu-jun’s cactus gardener** @tinynarwhals  
@manhattanvamp it’s all fun and games until da-ge calls you a ~little thing~ 🥵🥵

 **you know, like nyan minjue** @wildkitte  
YOU CAN STEAM MY MANTOU ANYTIME DA-GE

* * *

**grotesque-werewolf**

[PHOTOS: A series of GIFs showing Nie Mingjue remote-calling John Oliver at his desk. Each GIF is subtitled with the following:

  * “Oh, is that what you are? A spankable bird man?”
  * “You’re tearing my family apart, John.”
  * “You should be ashamed of yourself.”
  * “Was that so hard for you, you little — little — _thing?_ ”
  * “Get out of your fucking void, you under-steamed mantou.”
  * “Explore the world around you, you deeply weird bespectacled turtle.”]



John Oliver gets verbally spanked by Nie Mingjue, a gifset

#john oliver #last week tonight #nie mingjue #nmj #compcult #this is exactly what we all needed to counteract this hell year

* * *

**Nia Northwest** **▶️** **CompCult Memes for Magical Teens**  
**Conversation starter** • Shared with group

Fucking iconic.

[PHOTO: Meme screenshot of Tommy Wiseau screaming “You are tearing me apart, Lisa”, except it says “You are tearing my family apart, John”]

_______________________

👍❤️😆 284 16 comments

_______________________

 **Mioh Temaemiso** **  
** Was he really upset or was it part of the joke? It was a little hard for me to tell 😅

 **C. Smother**  
Mioh Temaemiso It was part of the joke!  
…  
I think. 🤣

 **Ai Lamei**  
I’m gonna call everyone under-steamed mantou from now on

 **Anika Hothfelder**  
Nie Mingjue Looking Like A Da-geposting

* * *

** Season 7 Finale: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (HBO) ** **  
** 3,500,254 views 

LastWeekTonight

_______________________

6,293 Comments

 **idrilka_** **  
** nmj: why are you like this

john oliver: BREAK MY LEGS DA-GE

 **nicaforov**  
After seeing Nie Minjue verbally punishing John Oliver, all I can say is: I get it.

 **Molly O’Donnell**  
ugh, finally this disgusting harassment masquerading as comedy can be put to sleep.

 **lightbrigademarie**  
dude it was a joke. nmj insulted him right back. relax

 **wilderswans**  
didn’t realise john oliver was filming his show from the middle of your soul

 **silvie**  
I can’t believe Molly O’Donnell made 3000 accounts just to dislike this video!

 **shizun_sl00t**  
anyone wanna read my nmj/john oliver fanfic on ao3?

 **chemburlee**  
NMJ’s emails be like:  
Dear Mr Nie,  
As you may know, John Oliver has been sexualising you for the past year on his late-night show. He has been begging you to do despicable, violent things to him. We would like it very much if you could show up on our season finale to insult him a lot.  
Have a nice day

 **squidspawn**  
i’ve been praying for this day and i was NOT disappointed!

* * *

**niemingjue_official**

I finally got to speak my thoughts on Mr John Oliver’s comedy bit regarding me that he has done all year. Please enjoy. #lastweektonight# #johnoliver# #niemingjue# #compcult#

https://youtu.be/EzlCOg-37hI

Like 8.2k | Comment 3.7k | Repost 1.4k

 **xiaohuaisang**  
YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO DRAG ME INTO THIS

 **3dumaster**  
it’s only what you deserve

 **xiaohuaisang**  
what did i do to deserve this  


**weibowifi  
** **  
** [PHOTO: Meme screenshot of Tommy Wiseau screaming “You are tearing me apart, Lisa”, except it says “You are tearing my family apart, John”]

* * *

_Transcript of Nie Mingjue’s appearance on_ Last Week Tonight

 **NMJ:** Hi, Mr Oliver.  
**JO:** [ _looking like a kid with his hand in the cookie jar_ ] Oh, hi, Mr… Nie…?  
**NMJ:** I think you know why I’m calling you.  
**JO:** [ _visibly steeling himself_ ] Oh boy.  
**NMJ:** I’m just… a _little_ confused about your affections towards me, a complete stranger. Please explain yourself.  
**JO:** Ah, well, uh. It was just a little funny thing I thought I’d do this season, you know, to lighten the mood ever since we had to lock down for the dragonpox pandemic.  
**NMJ:** I see, I see… but why me?  
**JO:** Because you’re upsettingly big and I am only six feet of spankable bird meat crumpled into a suit?  
**NMJ:** Oh, is that what you are? A spankable bird man?  
**JO:** [ _groaning_ ] _Please_ say that again.  
**NMJ:** No. Listen. Do you know the damage you’ve caused with your half-sexual, half-violent pleas? I mean, you called me a ‘formidable avalanche’, a ‘reverential Totoro’, a ‘vast, fuckable oak’, and you asked me to ‘pulverise [your] body’ and ‘reanimate [your] limbs’. My brother watches your show. Did you know that? My baby brother watches your show and now I can’t look him in the eye. You’re tearing my family apart, John.  
**JO:** I get it. I get it, Mr Nie, I really do.  
**NMJ:** I mean I get these sorts of comments a lot, but usually it’s just one or two thirst posts on Weibo or Twitter that I can just shrug off —  
**JO:** Especially with _those_ shoulders, I bet —  
**NMJ:** But don’t you think it’s getting a bit excessive?  
**JO:** No one could ever get excess amounts of you, in my opinion —  
**NMJ:** Stop talking. I’m sick of people asking me if I’m going to stab you with Baxia. I’m sick of people ‘stanning’ us, saying your ‘thirsting’ was ‘a mood’.  
**JO:** That’s completely fair, yeah.  
**NMJ:** And you should be ashamed of yourself. You knew this was inappropriate from the start. But you were…  
**JO:** Just having a little fun.  
**NMJ:** And now you’re…  
**JO:** A naughty little boy who needs to be punished by da-ge?  
**NMJ:** _No!_ You’re _sorry!_  
**JO:** Oh, sorry!  
**NMJ:** Heavens, was that so hard for you, you little — little — _thing?_  
**JO:** I’m sorry, Mr Nie, I really, truly am. Please consider this bit over.  
**NMJ:** Thank you. I know it’s been a rough year for us all, especially you, sitting over there in your void. I do wish there was something I could do to cheer you up.  
**JO:** You could… give me an order?  
**NMJ:** You do know I’m not just some big jock brute, right? I know my CompCult career has really typecast me that way, but I’m not —  
**JO:** _Pretty please?_  
**NMJ:** [ _groans_ ] _Fine._ Get out of your fucking void, you under-steamed mantou. Explore the world around you, you deeply weird bespectacled turtle.  
**JO:** Oh god that feels good.  
**NMJ:** I hated this. Goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was inspired by [Adam Driver's response to John Oliver's thirst jokes](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EzlCOg-37hI&feature=youtu.be), of course.
> 
> NHS's image attachment: Another 表情包. This one says "don't pick on young and beautiful people like me".

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Rivals AU Bonuses [PODFIC]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24634684) by [Opalsong](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Opalsong/pseuds/Opalsong)




End file.
